I was chatting with someone yesterday, and the topic of "understanding spouse" came up. I was very skeptical of the discussion because I believe there is no such thing as an understanding spouse. I believe it is a title rather than a person's current state of character.
People change as circumstances change.
We are not supposed to be completely good or bad all the time.
I am not saying there are not people known for negative or positive values; rather, I am saying that people's dispositions change over time. We are more like vessels, constantly characterized throughout our lives. So, I believe the term "understanding spouse" can be used to describe a person when the proper parameters are in place.
In Nigeria, for example, we have the belief that a good woman is never influenced by money. This is a saying rather than a proven statement of experience.
I saw a movie yesterday where a girl was forced by her mother to marry a wealthy man. She lied about being pregnant, and the idea of pregnancy was pinned on the man who graciously accepted it.
The man may have slept with the lady, but this was primarily manipulated by the girl's mother. They put the guy in an uncomfortable situation, and the girl's seductive ways worked on him. He agreed to marry the girl even though she was not the lady he was initially courting. It was a noble act; I am not saying people should not resist sexual temptations, but sometimes we know what is right and wrong and still do the wrong thing.
I am not saying the girl was a bad person; she accepted her mother's plans to manipulate a wealthy man into marrying her, and she did not appear to be a bad wife, but I guess she did not reject her mother's plans because she could have a comfortable life with no stress with an "already-made" man
That is why I did not really blame her. I mean, it is difficult to turn down a life of comfort, especially if it comes with a gold platter. It is difficult to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel when you can continue on a path that already has light at the beginning.
She was a good wife after they married, and they lied to the man about her pregnancy loss. Eventually, their life improved, and I thought, "Oh, that was good". Until the man experienced financial difficulties. She was actually understanding; she got a job, and even though they had lost everything, she continued to support the man. However, it took a long time and the man was still unable to find work.
The lady was under intense pressure to keep paying the bills, and she did so until their living expenses became prohibitively expensive. She was coerced into sleeping with her boss to earn more money, and she reluctantly agreed. The money kept coming in, and the man still could not find work, and she became enraged, wild, and beastly.
She started bringing her boss home to sleep with him, and things went downhill from there.
I would not categorically label her a bad person.
She was an understanding spouse for a long time, and she paid the bills until she could not anymore. You could argue that she did not love the man at first, but the truth is that there are times when we think we love people, but it is just their ability to be functional; other times, it is their ability to look dashing, smell nice, have killer looks, and crushing smiles. These physical attributes are actually sustainable by money to some extent.
Love is not practical.
It is a statement of emotion that is mostly supported by a constant state of normalcy.
Some will argue that love conquers all, and she was not supposed to cheat, but they are mistaken. Even the most resilient people can be broken by the wrong kind of pressure. Many people believe they are not motivated by money, but in reality, their sense of preservation has not been tested. For love to be constant, certain conditions may be required. Even if it isn't, things can not stay this bad for too long.
People who love you may fall out of love with you, especially if things are bad for a long time.
So the concept of a good spouse, or an understanding one, is based on longevity; how long things are bad and how long they are good, the extent to which things go wrong, whether it is manageable or nearly unmanageable. It is not anyone's fault; it is simply how we are wired, though we can train ourselves to limit the extent to which we are wired, which is beneficial.
Interested in some more of my works
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Personal Finance: Achieving Intentional "Saving" Goals
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