My wife is an east Texas girl - she has an internal compass that says my way or the highway - she's an amazing mom b/c she is able to clearly line out boundary lines for our kids, and train them up...and she's hot...but thats beside the point...
As our kids are growing things are becoming more logical, and we are getting to the hearts of our kids. Their little brains are wrestling with things like my brother will be here for the rest of my life...that revelation can be good and bad depending on the moment...but the hard black and white line of right vs wrong is getting invaded by this grey blob of thought.
It's amazing - and I am so glad this convo is coming up for my wife and I...
What we are finding is that we are getting frustrated with something like their rooms not being clean. For my daughter this started like a clear pick up your room. She understood that was the expectation early on. She has been doing it for several years. Great right?
Lately, its been getting less and less picked up. On a Saturday morning (cleaning day) I will walk by her room and be amazed at how the majority of her clothes are on her floor. My initial response will be to use by firm Dad voice (which my wife rebukes me for...everytime...okay its me yelling) - she will then come running up and I will let her know my thoughts about her not doing her job. She will generally comply from a sense of defeat.
Great in that she's doing her job -
I am getting behavior modification - but I am totally missing her heart - and degrading my ability to maintain a relationship with my daughter where she feels safe.
This happens many times in a given week - with different context. And I feel bad about it, especially when my wife has to point out to me my error...but just feeling bad about it doesn't do anything. I am able to constantly restore and support a safe relationship with my kids when I get down on their level and ask them to forgive me for coming off harsh.
It can be intimidating telling a 7 year old you messed up - but its amazing what it does in the relationship.
In the example above, when I come back to my daughters room - get on her level, look her in the eye, she forgives me everytime. I am then able to ask her why she hasn't been cleaning her room - which will generally lead to a teachable moment...
So - do you need to ask your kids to forgive you? Have you been harsh, frustrated, or even mean? You will be their parent for the rest of their life, and I'd encourage you to ask forgiveness...often
thanks for following along