Today and yesterday I woke up with an anxiety attack. I had intense dreams and then I would wake feeling wired only after 6 hours sleep (I normally prefer to do the full 8!) my heart would be pounding for the rest of day. I'd go through waves of no appetite and then hunger, like my andreline was working on over drive.
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to do something you were looking forward to it, then something happens, you feel like everyone is ganging up on you?
It takes me back to one distinct memory in my childhood. I went drama, singing and dancing classes, I'd say I was pretty good at drama but the rest was so so..... Anyway we were practicing for a performance and the leading girl broke her arm. I was chosen out of everyone to replace her, I never put myself forward (even though I really wanted it) so I was so estastic! After a few rehearsals I had it all down. It was a day or two away from the performance and everyone starting teasing me, saying how I and the leading guy would make a good couple. I was really shy, especially about boyfriends. I liked boys as friends but everything else scared me (it still does a little!) I completely chocked! I didn't go back to the school, I didn't go to the performance, I said I was sick. The words of everyone else got to me and the pressure of it suddenly felt too much, even tho I was in my element in rehearsals. I was gutted, I went completely mute and couldn't move, I lay on the couch and escaped through the television. It seems quite minor but even til this day, I feel upset at myself for letting other people stand in the way of what I wanted to do.
So what happened to me yesterday was kind of similar, I refused to get out of bed even though I was originally looking forward to the day ahead. I went completely mute, my brain was all fuzzy and I started to feel quite depressed. This weekend my partners family were visiting (they are still here in fact until Monday) I'd only just seen my partners mum a few weeks ago when I went back to England and we had a lovely chat and lunch together. So I was looking forward to seeing her again, making her birthday special. My partners brother was hiring a car so I had some ideas of places we could explore that we normally can't get to on public transport. Leading up to their arrival my partners behaviour changed, he started getting depressed, he wouldn't smile when he woke up and he stopped doing things like cooking, washing up or cleaning. All this started to irrate me but I was trying my best to lift his spirit and be supportive although I had to nag a bit about the mess, I was left to tidy up everything!
I cooked an amazing wild mushroom paella on the night they arrived and the day after I was running around trying to get his mum her spelt bread (because she can't eat wheat) I then made her a bread. Despite me rushing around my partner had not bothered to make himself any lunch and was waiting for me to do something. I snapped, he was at home sitting front of the computer playing with Photoshop and smoking weed, whilst I'd been rushing around like a mental case. He even called me selfish because he was hungry, waiting for food, I was taking some food pictures and blamed me for dominating the day with it and not being able to see his family. All of the above was completely unreasonable and I never stopped him from visiting his fam. Already we had planned to have another dinner together but they hadn't brought any food what's so ever despite going to the shop together. So I had to carry a load of roast vegtables including a massive squash on my back to make dinner at their place. Everyone kept asking when was dinner going to be ready but no one was willing to help check on it. After it was all over I ended up falling asleep on their couch, and I was woken up to a shrill voice 'its time to go now, and what's the plan for tomorrow?!' Even though I explained it already, I shrugged my shoulders I was half asleep. To be honest I didnt know why I couldn't of just been left on the couch, I thought it was a friendly relaxed vibe with family. But it all seemed very highly strung and unfriendly to me.
I walked home with my partner in the dark with my bike, we barely spoke to each other, mainly because we had a row earlier on because he refused to take any of the food to cook on the way to their place, that's why I was left to carry everything. After the half an hour walk home I was absolutely finished and went straight to bed, all I remember was dreaming about being in a white tower block (a bit like where I live) and there were waves crashing into it, I woke up and my heart was pounding, I was shaking and shivering. It was before dawn, that's when I immediately felt this sinking feeling I didn't want to move. I decided I was not going to participate, I opt out and the easiest way to do that was to be sick.
I must of fell back asleep because the next thing I remember was my partner getting out of bed and the sun was out. I shut the bedroom door and went back into bed. Then he started shouting 'what's the plan for today!' And going mental at me, I hid under the covers and just went mute. I didnt want to fight back, I just wanted to exit the situation all together. I messaged both his mum and him (even though he was in the other room) to say I'm sick and go without me.
This wasnt the only thing going on, whilst all this was happening, we've been unable to use the shower because of a gas smell the boiler was giving off. We couldnt even have a cold shower because it still was producing gas. For some reason tho I was the one who had
to try and sort the issue out. I emailed the gas company 4 times, called our local Handy man, tried to call the gas company but it never connected. They refused to call me, In the end I gave up but I had to keep begging my partners mum to help us, after all its her apartment. Yes I live there for free and yes this is one of the reasons why Im being manipulated. And this is also why now I'm considering leaving.
It hasn't only been this occasion of course, we spent last Christmas together and let's say that didn't go to well either. His mum is very highly strung, and can be quite rude by not listening properly, being lazy/messy like his brother (seems to be a family trait) and just expecting people to do things for her. (entitled)
Because both me and my partner are now vegan we have to cook (mainly me) because they don't know how to cook for us (too lazy to try) but will happily go off to a restaurant or cook themselves some meat. Its clearly not balanced and puts most of the strain on me.
I've come to a point where I realized that I shouldn't have to feel guilty or obliged to anyone, yes I have been supported but I've also pulled more than my own fair share of work around here. I don't need to be manipulated or guilt tripped, shouted at and driven to the point where I feel like I do right now and I don't see an end to it unless I leave the situation. I've had ups and downs with my partner and we try to work through it. The problem is he relies on his mum and also me too much that it's becoming a big issue. And even tho there's still many things I love about him, my patience is wearing thin, I'm ready for a change and I keep feeling like I need a place thats just for me!