This week's chapter is really about my insatiable desire to people-please and the incredibly difficult emotional spiral I often find myself in when I don't receive love and acceptance from everyone I offer them to.
Look, I am the girl that forms emotional attachments to her car, coffee mugs and fictional characters (don't talk to me about Daenerys Targaryen) so when it comes to personal and professional relationships, I have had a history of blurring the lines and setting myself up for disappointment. Just to balance it out, I am also absolutely horrible at setting boundaries, which means I cannot say no to people. Those two glorious character flaws combine to form some pretty disastrous social settings.
This chapter was sparked by two incidents of late, but it's truly been a long time coming.
The first incident was the grief of the loss of a friendship. This happened when a long-standing friend of mine was immigrating a few months ago. She was under immense emotional strain as a single mom. The pressure she found herself under led her to reach out for support and love that I simply could not fulfil. I suffered a terrible knee injury in December, we have just moved house ourselves and we're adapting as a blended family. She was looking for much more than I could offer, which meant more than dropping off boxes and popping in for coffee. Unfortunately, when I drew a healthy boundary, I was met by wrath and a barrage of unpleasant messages, leaving years of friendship to be swept away in the wind. So much was lost there, by my own poor boundary setting and her unmanaged expectations.
The second incident was when I shared a message over WhatsApp with some of my friends, announcing that another one of my songs had hit the radio airwaves and how proud I was. One person, who I am not even particularly close to, said to me these exact words:
"Please, Just Stop."
Of course, my brain went into overdrive and I emotionally spiraled out of control in a matter of seconds. It was faster than the speed of light that I blocked and deleted the person from my cellular device.
How dare he!? How dare he not be kind and encouraging! What nonsense is this? Is he telling me to stop texting him or to stop singing all together?
OVERTHINKS
In hindsight, I realised that it was me, and not him, who had reacted inappropriately. Truly, we were only friends by proxy. We did not seek each other out because we enjoyed each other's company, and frankly, the only reason I had his number is that I sold him a washing machine 3 years ago.
So I've been contemplating these two incidents and getting curious about how and why they made me feel the way they did and it reminded me that I should REEEEEAAALLY be going back to therapy to work on those practically nonexistent boundaries of mine.
Last year, I was sitting in my therapist's rooms, having completed another session of sobbing and inappropriate humour, and my therapist asked me the weirdest question. We'd been discussing my abandonment trauma and the PTSD I had developed around it.
"Claire, what do you think about the relationship between you and me? Do you think we are friends?"
I was gobsmacked. I was not ready for this question. I kind of just sat there for a while, considering her question and wondering why it made me so uncomfortable, perhaps even a bit angry. But I knew what she was getting at. I knew the correct answer, but I also knew what was in my heart and that the two did not line up. This made me realise that I am not like everyone else, and that I have been approaching relationships completely the wrong way, for a really, really, really long time.
My logical brain wanted to say "Oh I've seen this movie. No You are my therapist. Being my friend would be unprofessional."
But my heart was saying: "We've shared and cried and laughed and called out my unhealthy coping mechanisms, of course, we're friends...... right?"
Yeah, no, I did not like this line of questioning at all, so I started crying, which made me feel even more awkward. She allowed me to compose myself and then asked me to describe how I felt.
I said I felt stupid. Like a little girl abandoned on the playground. And that's when I started to realise why acquaintances, colleagues and distant friends have been able to extract from me, such deep feelings of love and trust, when really, it was totally inappropriate for the situation. I was setting myself up for hurt by expecting loyalty and love from people who never signed up for it in the 1st place.
I have always said that I only have two speeds when it comes to my heart, and that's everything or nothing. It's full speed or dead still. Apparently, not everyone is like this. Apparently, it's healthy to be able to draw lines and to be able to put people into boxes and keep them there. And you know, yes, on a logical level I have known that all along, but for me, what drives me is my absolute core drive and desire for a deep and meaningful connection in everything and everyone.
My boundless ability to love may seem endearing to some, but can also be exhausting for both me and those around me. I've had to learn to channel it. To control it and to direct it into the aspects of my life and the people in it who need it the most, instead of pouring it into bottomless voids where it remains unrequited.
I have to unlearn what I have learned. I have to realise that not only is it a fact that no one owes me their friendship, honour or love, but that I don't owe it to them either. It's both unfair to expect these emotions from people who have their own views, families, life experiences, priorities and relationships to manage.
After getting over the heartache of realising that no matter how hard I try, not everyone is going to like me, I have realised that I am now also free. I'm lighter. I have more space. I have more organic RAM. And this abundance means I can love and create in a way that is far more meaningful than ever before.
And for those who choose to join me on this crazy train of life, there will be genuine care, trust, loyalty and love. Unlike before, I will no longer be spread out too thin, or walked over like an old rug, or spiraled into depression by other people's emotions that I have absolutely no control over.
It's letting go of what doesn't serve me, or love that is not reciprocated that has ironically given me my power back.
Not everyone has to love me. Not every one has to like me.
But I most certainly do <3
