I rushed frantically about the Kitchen. The good lady wanted some vegetarian meatball nonsense. I was feeling fantastically animalistic and was rolling up bits of minced beef for my own meatballs and the little lady insisted on having bolognese because... Meatballs are yucky... Hmmm.
It was a tough balancing act but after the jungles of Peru in '68, it was child's play to me.
I sashayed out of the kitchen and dumped the little lady's spaghetti bolognese before her. Then I scooched round to the other side and placed the good lady's soy/cheezyfeet/cardboard meatballs down in front of her.
Finally, I went back into the kitchen and returned with my own Kingly dish of Manjano balls is a devilishly spicy sauce.
We all got ready to eat. I lifted my fork in eager anticipation.
Just like any other meal time the little lady looked suspiciously at her dinner. Poking it a few times with her fork.
Daddy, did you sneak carrots in this?
No lass. That is nothing but bolognese and spaghetti.
I had learned my lesson from months before. The little lady has always been a clever little chop and one day whilst eating some bolognese she had gone into full secret-veggy rage and demanded to know why there were grated carrots ruining her amazing dinner.
What could I say?
Eh, yes, subterfuge my girl. That's how we parent!!
So instead I acted surprised like I had thought that was the way she liked it and promised, never, ever, to do such a heinous thing again.
So this time when she asked I could assure her that they were unadulterated by veggy rubbish.
Still looking suspicious, she poked her fork around a bit before popping some in her mouth.
Mmm, this bolognese is delicious but I am not eating the spaghetti. Don't you know I hate spaghetti?
Well, no. I didn't know that. In fact, it was fucking breaking news to me. She loves spaghetti?! Or rather, she loved spaghetti. I guess that was one more to add to the ever-increasing list of foods that were no longer in favour.
It was a tad worrying, there weren't many foods left in the able to eat category.
Oh well. I prepared to tuck into mine. Just as I stuck my fork into my bowl, the good lady decided it was time to pipe up.
Can I have fresh water?
She motioned at the little boom who was frantically and noisily trying to deflate her via the booben. I sighed and put my fork down and headed into the kitchen to get her water.
I came back and settled in to eat my amazeballs.
The good lady jiggled the little boom up and down on her lap. He smiled the triumphant smile of a man who has just gnawed a pair of bing bongs half to death.
This little guy will be starting on the solids in a couple of weeks!
She exclaimed excitedly.
I stared at her in horror, my gaze flicking to her dish, then the little lady's dish and finally mine. Three separate dishes.
Solid foods?
I intoned, like an imbecile who is chewing toffee.
Yes, weaning! Isn't it exciting?
I grinned a skull grin and nodded my head forward like a depressed bear in captivity.
Oh yes, that will be magic. Can't wait...
Four dinners. Aiyee, I don't know if I can take it.
Not for the first time I looked downward at my own giblets and cursed my infernal penisery for getting me into this mess.