I suppose you have heard.
Scooper my occasional gym buddy said as he dried himself a little over vigorously with his towel.
I too was drying myself but with more aplomb.
Heard what?
I presumed he was going to tell me some exploits about his work. He did like to talk about work a lot. In fact, I felt I knew enough about his place to walk in one day, plop myself down behind one of the desks and just start scooping.
You mean you really haven't heard?
Scooper looked genuinely baffled as if watching someone butter a scone before putting the jam on.
No mate, I really haven't heard. Come on then, what is it?
I did my best to sound interested which wasn't hard as it was a Sunday and nothing interesting ever happened on a Sunday. You only had to look at the trending page on Hive to see that.
I've moved oot. That's me gone.
He studied me closely at this as if expecting me to throw a hand to my forehead and moan weakly about the vapours.
Oot of where ya fucking turnip? I am not a mind reader. You got a new job?
There was no point in beating around the bush. It was like when people said they felt sad on Facebook and you asked why and they said oh nothing and you think oh fuck off then whilst everyone else litters their comment section with hugs
Out of the house. I've moved out. That's what I mean.
Scooper shook his head and puffed as if he were Atlas putting down the world for a moment to rub his shoulders and have a wee rest before carrying on.
My eyes became like saucers and popped out of my head a little. In fact, it could be fair to say that I even boggled.
You, you've what? Split up with the missus? Like for real?!
I was having a bit of trouble taking on board what he was saying. This was one of the happiest guys I knew. He and his wife were the life and soul of the party. I mean they literally were, they had parties all the time. Some of them were even ok.
And he had three kids. How the fuck did that work?
Aye, moved oot. There was no reason. We just ended up two strangers in a house.
He looked a little sad and nodded mournfully.
Two strangers in a house.
He murmured again softly.
But what about the kids?
I was baffled, the chance there could be a get-out-of-jail-free card in this crazy world of parenting was a wild one. I mean, I was happy, but could people just bin their family off at the drop of a hat because they were bored? Surely not?
I have got a new place so I get them every Saturday and an evening during the week.
Scooper started hauling on his trousers absent-mindedly as if he had just split up with his wife and kids and didn't know quite what to do with himself.
Wow. That's heavy eh?
It was the best I could come up with. There were lots of things I wanted to say but my mouth couldn't translate them into words.
Aye, but you know. We were just two strangers in a hoose. You know? It was for the best.
He sniffed. I hoped it was a real sniff and not a Facebook I feel sad sniff or I would have to tell him to fuck off. I mean, we weren't that close.
My brain suddenly stopped whirling at the news and the reptile that lurks at the hearts of all men analysed the situation.
So that was the reason, you had just become like strangers in a hoose?
I thumbed my chin but he couldn't see because he was fumbling with his shoes and sniffing a bit.
Aye mate, two strangers in a hoose.
He said this with a grim finality.
I gave him a manly punch on the shoulder.
Hey, even if it was mutual it can still be rough so if you need to chat give me a shout.
Cheers mate, I might take you up on that.
He stopped sniffing and seemed to perk up a bit.
I nodded and carried on getting ready. I decided not to tell him that his wife was obviously having an affair and didn't have the guts to fess up to being the villain so instead she had told him psy-op style that they had become two strangers in a house and that to maintain his sanity he had held on to that belief because it hurt less than the other thing.
Sundays, eh?