I bustled into the lounge. The good lady cocked me a suspicious glance.
What are you up to?...
Nothing baby. Fear not. Nothing to see here. Move along.
I dragged a chair from the table over to under the main light and stood on it. She looked on ever more quizzically until she saw me pull the fragile glass globe from my pocket.
Hang on... Are you changing the light bulb?
Might be.
I said nonchalantly as I stuck my arm up the lamp-shade's arse and started fiddling about.
But there is nothing wrong with the bulb. It was on this morning?
I had a mad gleam in my eye as I turned to her whilst my arm was buried up to the elbow in lampage.
Don't try to gainsay me, baby. There are some things a man should never be gainsaid on.
Gainsay? Have you been going daft with the coffee again?!?
I paused mid-screw, swivelling my head on caffeine'd bearings till it pointed at her. I calmed my rapid breathing and tried my very best to project an aura of calm. An air of statesmanship, so that I could convey my message succinctly to her.
That is by the by. I can't stand it. I can't stand living in this twilight anymore. It's like the 18th century in here. This wan piss yellow light dribbling from above onto our heads...
I paused to take a breath.
I NEED LIGHT.
These energy saving light bulbs are all well and dandy baby. But what if you actually want to see? I can't see in my own house. For the love of god I need light. I need it! Good honest white light that a man can be manly in. Not this...
I gesticulated at the light above and then around the room.
*Not this half-life by candlelight. I am drawing a line in the sand baby. A line in the SAND. No more, I say. NO MORE. The environment can go and fuck itself. I demand to see and to be seen.
I brandished the bulb in my hand at her whilst the other still rooted around in the wildly swinging light shade.
LEDS baby! L.E.D.S! That's where we are going. The world can burn as long as I can see it do so. Don't try to stop me. I mean it, I will brook no nonsense. You hear me, I will brook no nonsense!
The good lady looked at me fondly.
Alright then.
She went back to reading her Kindle.
I pulled my hand out of the light shade's arse.
I will brook no nonsense.
You said that.
Right.
I went back to my bulb changing. Somehow it felt like I had been beaten by a grandmaster.