Are we ready?
I asked my good friend Anulus, a fine fellow despite having a face like a half-shat artichoke.
He looked around at our quite finely constructed grotto and nodded. I adjusted my Santa Suit slightly and let out an experimental Ho ho ho. It was vaguely muffled through the big white beard but still sounded quite magnificent.
Then let the Christmas cheer begin, old fellow. Open the doors!!
Anulus grinned as if wearing underpants made of frogskin and marched over to the doors of our grotto. It was quite the festive affair. Tinsel and Christmas lights twinkled everywhere you looked.
He flung open the doors with gusto and revealed a queue of waiting peons, stamping their feet against the cold.
One at a time! One at a time to see Santa!
He bellowed.
I chuckled as the first starved and cold looking peon was ushered in. I beckoned him over to sit with me by the fire.
Ho ho ho! Well peon, what's your name?
The peon nervously took the vacant seat across from me and held his hands out to the warmth of the hearth. He looked like a dead bird.
It's Johnny, sir.
Ho ho ho! Johnny, like a condom? Very good. Well, we are pleased you have come to see us. Tell me Johnny. What would you like for Christmas?
The peon looked around furtively as if fearing he was being tricked.
Just a roof over my head and some food sir, that's all I want for Christmas.
He looked and sounded quite forlorn. Like a dog eating Tofurkey.
I gave my best Santa smile and reached over, patting him on the knee.
I think Santa has just the thing for you Johnny, old fellow.
I gestured toward the door at the back of the grotto which my man, Morris, stood beside.
You will find happiness though that door there. Merry Christmas!
Peon Johnny's face brightened and he got up, hastening toward Morris who opened the door with a flourish. A cold draught sprung up from the darkness beyond.
Eh, it's a bit dark?
Muttered Peon Johnny apprehensively as Morris herded him toward the gaping doorway.
Tis always darkest before the dawn, Johnny!
I yodelled, giving my big false Santa belly a jiggle.
Morris shoved Peon Johnny through. There was a squawk as he fell from sight. Then moments later a distant sounding wet thud.
Morris closed the door and nodded at me.
Right Anulus! Send the next one in!
The next few hours passed by in a blur of festivity as one by one the homeless and tired peons came in to visit Santa. Eventually the well ran dry and there was no more left.
I raised a Brandy. to Anulus who now sat with me beside the fire.
A fine day's work, my friend!
I toasted him.
Yes old bean, it is such a good feeling giving something back to the community, isn't it?
He replied heartily, downing his glass and contentedly pulling out his pipe for a long suck.
Excuse me?
We both looked over to the door, around which a pretty young lady, her face framed with short blonde hair peeked round.
Ho ho ho! Can I help you my dear? Have you come to see Santa?
I put my Brandy down and jiggled my belly at her as if they were fully-laden testicles.
Oh no, I am a reporter for 'The Gazette.' We heard that you were doing a charity secret Santa gig for the homeless and hungry and I thought I would ask if you wouldn't mind being interviewed?
Get the fine lady reporter a drink, Anulus, would you?
I motioned at the seat next to me.
Please, take a seat. If you are not here to see Santa then you can call me Boomy!
I tweaked my big false beard to the side and gave her a gentleman's grin. She really was quite pretty. I felt a stirring in my Cobra Kai.
She smiled.
Thank you Boomy, I'm Sherry Bolsworth, pleased to meet you.
I took her hand and gave it a shake.
I do like a little Sherry!
I giggled.
She rolled here eyes good naturedly.
So, I understand you have been helping the poor and disadvantaged of our community? Secret Santa is it?
I leaned in close.
Yes, my dear. It is quite a simple thing. We invited the poor peons into our grotto for a festive chat with Santa before sending them out the back door to receive the gift of Christmas!
She looked over at the back door which Morris was now bolting shut.
That sounds lovely, so what exactly is in store once they go through the door?
She chirped.
I chuckled coldly in response, my mouth twitching up in a cadaverous smile.
Oh my dear. I cannot possibly say, after all...
