My phone buzzed.
I was throwing the little lady up in the air in our new game Bull Fights. Despite me explaining quite specifically what happens to a bull in a bullfight, it's her favourite thing of the moment.
Two ticks little chick.
I picked my phone up. It was a message from the good lady.
It said one thing.
I looked up over the phone at the little lady. It was the good lady's safe word.
We've got a Tadger, little chick. Let's go.
She gave me a grim nod.
The journey to Edinburgh was spent mostly in silence. The little lady had her head buried in her tablet, checking schematics and scoping out attack vectors. I held the wheel of the 'tac vehicle scowling at the road ahead as the miles unwound.
In little more than an hour, the 'tac vehicle rolled up outside the large house in which the good lady had gone to this weekend.
The Lair of the Red Tent Doulas.
It looked like a regular two storey house from the side of the road we had pulled up at. I killed the engine and studied the surroundings for guards. There was little sign of life other than smoke curling from a red brick chimney.
My eyes were drawn to the front door that led into a darkened porch. It was slightly ajar.
Right little lady. You stay here and monitor the comms.
Roger that Daddy.
She somehow managed to bury her head even deeper in the tablet. Chirps and beeps echoing from it as she scoped out the target.
I slipped from the car and crossed the road. There was no-one about. I opened the garden gate. gagging slightly at the earthy smell of the garden soil. Probably full of decaying placentas. I shimmied majestically up to the slightly open door.
I listened, no noise. No time to waste. I pushed the door open and stole over the threshold. The porch led into a darkened hallway. I placed my feet carefully and proceeded forward. I had made only a few steps when a patch of shadow near a coat stand shifted.
Do I smell a Man?!
A large lady swathed in gaudy purple fabrics and many beads loomed out of the shadows. Her eyes caught mine.
MAN!
She leapt forward, meaty strangler hands outstretched for my beautiful swan-like neck. She was fast for a big thing but I was faster. Twisting to the side I thrust two knuckles into one of her big side breasts.
Two-inch penis punch!
I yelled.
She shrieked, bouncing off the wall to her side and then collapsing to the floor. There was a massive hissing sound and her large form deflated until there was just a pile of purple velvets and velours topped with wooden beads.
One down. Moving swiftly forward I headed to the back of the hallway. It opened out into a wide kitchen.
A stringy looking woman was standing by the fridge eating what looked like edamame beans. Her eyes widened in horror when she saw me.
MAN??
She yelled dropping into a low fighting stance.
I crouched lower myself, circling around her assessing for weaknesses. She snarled in feminine rage.
You'll never leave here alive, MAN!
She said Man contemptuously as if having a tallywhacker and two jubblies were something sinful. As she spoke I noticed the green staining on her teeth. Aha! A bloody vegan.
Swiftly I dipped a hand into an inner pocket and flung it out again just as fast.
Several strips of dried beef flew forth striking her in the face and shoulders.
Bang Bang beef jerky!
I yelled.
Gggggggaaahahhhh!!!!
She clawed at the places the beef had struck, smoke winding up beneath her fingers before the rest of her sparked and hissed and she disintegrated into a pile of sooty ash.
I moved through the kitchen. I could hear a bass-like thumping coming from upstairs. Damn it, they must be up there. I hoped I wasn't too late to save the good lady from whatever fate these Doula's had planned.
I snuck back into the hallway and crept up the stairs. As I neared the top I saw a lithe young woman stretching in some kind of Yoga pose. She never even had time to notice me before my three-day boxers looped over her head and she gasped in a lungful of ball-grease fumes.
I lowered her to the ground gently then stood back as she melted into nothing, leaving only a collection of silver rings set with brightly coloured stones.
The booming noise was louder now and I could see the door behind which it was coming from.
No time for subtlety, I crashed through the door into the inner sanctum.
Before me was the good lady clutching the little boom in her arms. Standing over them was a fearsome big woman covered in Aztec knitwear with masses of wild curly hair. In the background, a large open fire crackled and popped. The walls were draped in red silks.
Against the wall behind the good lady was a massive pulsating clay vagina. Waves of divine femininity came crashing out from it in time to the boom boom'ing noise I had heard.
I dropped to a knee, it was too much. Too powerful!
I heard the Arch Doula cackle wildly.
A MAN! In the inner sanctum? We shall feed him to the Earth Quim!!
I tried to push myself up but the feminine pulses from the massive clay vagina were stronger now, faster. I fell to my side. The Arch Doula raised a hand victoriously!
You foolish MAN, you thought you could just enter here and... eh...
Too late she noticed the small vial I had thrown at the Earth Quim behind her. It shattered, spraying its salty fish yoghurt contents over the wall.
Spunk bomb!
I muttered weakly.
The hugely fertile jizzums spread fast now they were let loose from their prison. The Arch Doula screamed as they crawled up her face and pushed their way into her eyes. Then the massive clay vagina behind her EXPLODED!
Hey Daddy! Thanks for coming. You find the place ok?
I looked up from my reverie.
Hmm, oh erm, yes. Yes indeed lass. Hop in.
The good lady walked round to the passenger side of the car.
How was Doula camp?
I asked politely, gazing at the Doula house across the road from where I had parked.
It was fab, I will tell you all about on the way back home.
The good lady hopped in with the little boom. I started the engine. As we pulled away someone waved from one of the Doula house windows. The good lady waved back. I snorted quietly.
Next time Doulas, next time...