I've got a wetsuit you could borrow? That water is damn cold further out.
Fishstick waved at the back of his massive van and smiled pleasantly at me. Almost as if he weren't inviting me to climb into his used rubber sheath of an outfit.
Might still be a bit wet from yesterday though, is that ok?
He made an apologetic face.
I returned him a look flatter than a Spaniard's slipper.
What in the name of fuck? Wear another man's wet fucking pond sheath? What next, would he ejaculate in a cup and ask if I wanted to use it as conditioner for my hair?
Today was becoming quite the challenge.
It had started out innocently enough. The weather promised to be stonking hot and the Good Lady had said that a few of her Mummy friends were planning to go up to one of the lochs up north for a big gathering and it would be lovely if we could join them.
I had harrumphed a little, it's ok for her, she has lots in common with her Mummy friends. They have all heaved cannonballs of flesh out of their whoopsies and can talk baby for days about boobs, piles and green poo nappies.
At these gatherings, however, I am usually stuck with the Dads and the only thing we seem to have in common is to have had the misfortune to have spegged our muck up our wives and not ran away when it took root.
But here I found myself, up north in the Scottish wilds, standing before a giant body of water with a bunch of blokes trying to convince me sheathe up in another man's used rubber and get wet with them in the mighty Loch Bhumbanamon.
I opened my mouth to chastise Fishstick soundly for offering me his used johnny suit to wear and even worse, assuming that I and he were about the same size.
Hey, Daddy-Bear, you taking the wetsuit? It's so kind of him to offer!
The Good Lady had materialised out of nowhere and seemed to be relishing the idea of me stuffing myself inside another man's thingmy.
Well, you know, I have been swimming in the Lochs before. I never used a wetsuit then. Just wheeked my clothes off and in I went.
I said trying not to sound ungrateful to Fishsticks for his offer to geld me.
The Good Lady gave me that knowing look. The very same look she gives me when old women offer me liver pate.
Oh Daddy-Bear. Don't be shy, I am sure you will fit into it just fine.
She tossed her head back and laughed before heading back to the other mums who were sitting about talking about peeing outdoors in a cup.
Pffft, the bloody cheek of it, this wasn't about fitting into the damn thing. This was about taking another man's soggy leavings. Did she know nothing?
There you go, man. You want a hand getting into it?
Fishsticks interrupted my musings by handing me a limp looking rubbery gimp suit.
Ha! No thanks, mate. It won't be the first time I have squeezed myself into something dark, nasty and wet.
I smiled insanely at Fishsticks who twitched a little nervously and headed back over to the other Dads leaving me alone with what looked like the skin of a murdered seal.
I grabbed it with both hands and took a deep breath to ready myself for insertion.
The things I do for love.