Today in work there was a relaxed, upbeat atmosphere about the place. The sun was shining and it seemed that Spring was well into getting jiggy with it.
My horrifying lurgy has now almost completely receded into nothingness and I feel full of mad vigour and joy.
Although I have never been the biggest fan of working for the man. I must confess to a certain joy in escaping the plague house that home had become and getting back out into the real world again.
Even if that meant getting back to the coalface.
I am so happy that it has been a struggle not to constantly snarl and laugh like a wolf that is having its belly tickled.
That kind of behaviour never goes down too well in the workplace.
And of course, you simply cannot put a price on the freedom I have when out of the house to drink vast lakes of coffee without the good lady casting a stern eye at me.
So there I was, in work, happy as a pig in poo as they say.
Nearby some folk were discussing the origin of some Scottish slang words and the air was full of such delights as:
Gadge. Which is some kind of dirty beggar.
Radge. To go crazy. Can also describe a mad person - He's a pure radge.
Ever keen to participate I piped up.
Don't forget fud. It's a classic.
It is a slang word for vagina and is most often used in an affectionate but disparaging way. As in, he's a pure fud, accompanied by a wry shaking of the head.
Whilst we ruminated on many of these fine expressions my mobile rang. It was the good lady.
Hello lady chops, what can I do for ya?
It's the little boom, he has these little spots on his mouth and hands. They are causing him some grief. I think it's hand, foot and mouth.
Hand, foot and mouth you say??! Well that will go a long way to explaining those plooks on my penis!
plook - Scottish word for spot/pimple
I said this in a grand booming voice which perhaps was way louder than even I had meant it to be. The office around me for quite some distance became rather still.
The good lady made a harrumphing noise like an galloping stoat.
I swiftly made my goodbyes and hung up. I looked around, assaulted by the sudden sound of silence.
That was a joke obviously.
I stated to the multitudes of people who were now avoiding my gaze as if they too might get plooks on the nethers just by catching my eye.
Somewhere someone tittered.
Plooks?
Somewhere else someone sniggered.
On his what?
Ah, some days I guess you win and others you have to accept that you will be denying having an STD for months to come. Happy days!