Daddy, could you go up to the attic and look for the old baby walker that the little lady had?
I looked up from my hangover and nodded slowly.
Yes. Go to the attic and look for a baby thing. I think I can manage that. It's much more preferable to the usual backbreaking chores that I seem to get on a Sunday.
Inside my head, I pressed the button marked Gentlemanly Acceptance.
Of course, my lady. I shall go forthwith and find your whimsy.
I swept out of the lounge and up the stairs. A simple task that doesn't even involve ladders or heavy lifting. That's my kind of job.
Due to some disastrous co-sleeping nonsense with the kids last night I slept in the attic. The summer weather has made it stiflingly warm. So I had opened the window wide. I had also closed the blind on the window to keep out the sun's glare throughout the day.
All of which meant that it was very dark as I got to the top of the narrow stairs.
Very dark indeed.
The window was about halfway in. I hoisted my way over the last stair and stood up, being careful not to bang my head on the slopey roof and stepped toward it to open the blind and let some light in.
Something burbled.
I stopped, a cold hand of ice clenching at my heart.
What was that??!
I peered about in the dim light cast by the suns fingers reaching around the blind on the window. It was a bit shadowy near the bed but as my eyes adjusted I could see that there was nothing untoward there.
I gave myself a shake. Silly Daddy with his silly big imagination.
I walked toward the window. As I neared it something moved in the corner of my eye.
I let out a manly squeak of fright and whipped my head around.
Nothing.
I moved my fingers to the blind. Let's get some light in here. Chase away the nasty figments of my imagination that wanted to rend at me with tooth and claw. I pulled the blind.
A shadow beside the bed rose up and fluttered straight at me. A nightmare of claws and iron teeth.
GAARRRHRHHRHHRHRHH!!!
I squealed. The monster grabbed at my hair, my beautiful hair. I stumbled backwards screaming for help. I fell over something, landing hard on the floor, my feet pedalling me away from the horror that was thrashing against the half-opened window blind.
I backed up against a wall. It was suddenly silent. I realised my eyes were screwed shut.
I opened them.
The monster had stopped flailing about and was perched on the small bookcase under the window. It cocked its insanely evil head to the side and looked straight at me.
Cooo, coooo.
It said in its devil tongue.
Pigeon.
RAAAAAARRRR!!!
I launched myself up and at it in a wave of fury and thwarted manliness.
I opened the lounge door and entered holding the baby-walker.
You were gone a while and you look a right state. Did a pigeon get in the attic again?
I gave her a baleful stare.
Why would you say that?
Oh no reason.
She laughed uncontrollably.
Hmm, I think she knew.