That's a nice neck thing.
I said politely to the Good Lady's Doula friend Olette. She had popped round (again) to help with the Good Lady's Doula website.
They were cloistered over my laptop fannying about with simplistic web concepts as if they were solving world hunger.
I clunked the coffee I had made for them down beside them.
Olette reached up to her neck, touching a clumsy looking neck thing that looked it was made of solder wire and chewing gum.
You like it?
She preened.
Oh yes.
I lied deftly.
As well you should.
She said mysteriously, casting a sidelong glance to the Good Lady.
What is it?
I said without masterfully sighing.
It's a vulva pendant, actually.
Said Olette smugly.
Yaargghhle?!
I coughed up some of the coffee I had been sipping and clenched my arse sphincter to prevent my spleen from erupting out of my bahookie and running away from this madness.
I beg your pardon?
I said, holding my insides tightly.
Olette looked at me and held my eye.
A vulva pendant. I made it myself.
Not out of real vulvas I hope?
I chortled inwardly high-five'ing myself.
Olette swished her hair out of the way to expose more of the fucking nonsensical thing on her neck to the light.
He is a funny one, isn't he?
Olette remarked to the Good Lady.
The Good Lady made a hmm mmm'ing noise and gave me a warning glance but it was too late, the vulva necklace had unleashed my inner boom and I was helpless in its fury.
It's a great idea. I might make one myself actually.
I mused with a perfectly straight face.
Olette couldn't help but scoff slightly.
I hardly think it is something for a man to wear. It is a symbol of the divine feminine. A celebration, if you will, of womanhood and the pride we feel in our bodies and...
Oh. I didn't mean make a vulva one?
I interrupted.
Olette looked at me frownily.
What did you mean?
I meant I might make a cock one. You know, symbolising the essence of man. Mibbe a big silver cock and balls?
Olette took a deep and offended breath in through her nostrils and opened her mouth.
Actually, maybe I will be more subtle and just go for balls. That would be cool eh?
I said with a fevered gleam in my eye.
I could make it unisex too. No sexism here. Anyone would be welcome to have some of my balls round their neck. Whatcha think?
I headed off to the garage with a spring in my step before either of them could answer.