The Summer holidays had arrived and I was chilling in the living room. The Little Lady was nearby hanging upside down like a bat from the back of the couch with a book in her hand.
Some random playlist was booming out from our Alexa and the sun puddled pleasantly on the floor from where it was pishing in through the window.
Ah, this was the life I thought. I too was reading, some nonsense about a man living in a stately home finding shit on his shoe and beating his servant.
It was good fun.
Whilst reading I hummed along happily to the music playing and occasionally the Little Lady did too.
My ears perked up at a particularly catchy song, it had some chick singing in a Kate Bush'esque haunted trilly way. A bit like a Budgie with a sore foot.
It built to a crescendo for the chorus and I nudged my vampire-like daughter and smiled. She smiled back and the music boomed on...
And you can hold me...like he held her...
I aimlessly hummed along, damn this was a catchy one.
And I will fuck you like nothing matters....
I shot bolt upright and stared at Alexa from where the music was sounding then whipped my head around and stared at the Little Lady who was staring back at me wide-eyed.
Daddy, did she just say a swear?
What Fuck no!
I wanted to reply but I was sure she had. Surely not? It was practically the radio. The singer surely didn't just say the naughty F word in front of my daughter?
The chorus looped around again.
And you can hold me...like he held her...
The Little Lady and I stared at each other and Alexa in a morbid swivel-eyed fascination.
And I will fuck you like nothing matters....
AAAARGH?!?! ALEXA STOP!!!
The music stopped and I breathed a stunned sigh of relief like an old woman after coughing and finding that half her giblets hadn't fell out her shrieking Shereen.
It's the second entry, fancy it not being top?
Daddy, did she just say the F word?
The Little Lady eyes sparked with glee.
No no, no no, no, no. Not at all. Definitely not.
I sputtered feebly like a Russian firework. It had sounded like such a nice song too?!
She did! She said...you know, the duck word but with an F.
She mimed saying fuck and my inner Daddy quailed that my sweet innocent lass should end up a bad un, like me, hanging about down the rail yards smoking cigars with giant cartoon bears.
Ok, she might have said the F word but you know, that doesn't mean we have to go about saying the F word. You know the rules, no swearing in this house.
I folded my arms and tried to look responsible.
What does it mean though?
The Little Lady was not for letting me off the hook.
I gave her a long hard look. Never you fucking mind is what it means is what I was thinking.
It's a grown-up word. I'm not telling you.
I humphed with disapproval and hoped she would be quiet.
Aw. What was the name of the song? Can we listen to it again?
She looked over at Alexa as if willing her to burst into life.
No we fucking can't. I almost said.
No, we will never listen to that song again my darling. It is the devil's work. Let's listen to some proper music.
I looked over at Alexa.
Alexa, play Raining Blood by Slayer.
Fucking hell, this parenting lark is getting hard as fuck.