Hey! What was that?
The Good Lady darted forward as if from nowhere and pecked her fingers at the phone in my hand.
Oi, paws off the God machine!
I yelped like a half clubbed seal pup.
NO DEVICES.
She glowered at me fiercely. As if I were a pirhana sniffing around a menstruation.
For fuck sake, woman. We are on holiday. It's raining, I am bored. There is only so drunk you can get when you are in charge of children!?
I nodded in the direction of the kids who, with a bunch of other holiday orphans were constructing a massive shelter made of sun loungers to shield them from the rain.
And what rain it was. We had been on holiday for almost a week and the sun has shone gloriously throughout.
Until today.
Today the heavens had opened and the wind was howling furiously like a mad drunk in an alleyway.
You promised.
Her eyes flashed emerald green and my funbags twitched upward in fear that she was going to Hulk out and start smashing the place up.
I said I wouldn't spend loads of time on hive and stuff, yes. But I didn't say I wouldn't look at my phone at all!?
I tried to make my own eyes flash dangerously but instead they only fluttered, making me look like a cut rate Minnie mouse.
Oh, so you weren't footering about on Hive there?
She smiled snakily, venom dripping from her fangs
Buwuff, huff. Uhumff. Erm, no. Of course not! A promise is a promise!
I spluttered in what I hoped would pass for righteous outrage.
So you wouldn't mind me just having a little looky wooky at your little phoney woney then?
She stretched out a taloned claw at my beloved phone.
I snatched it out of her reach.
Fuck off. Whatever happened to trust? If you trust me then there is no need to look at my phone.
Smugly, I dropped my phone back within her fiendish reach.
I was lying like a mad bastard. I had indeed been surfing the Hives. It's the only interwebbing I really do.
Would she call the trust bluff?
Surely not.
If she did pick up my phone and see that I had been Hiving then I was in big trouble but she was in bigger trouble for not trusting me.
Sweetheart. I trust you completely. You can do as you please. I don't need to see your phone.
She leaned over and kissed me affectionately.
I swallowed a sigh of relief. I had explicitly promised no socials of any kind on holiday so it was a bit of a relief not to be called out for being a dirty liar.
I will just look at your hive account on my phone!
She chuckled enormously like a cockney eating a big bag of whelks then picked up her phone and I saw my blog pop up on her screen.
Oh bugger.