Hey baby, come upstairs!
The Good Lady yodelled huskily from somewhere in the house.
I looked up from my phone where I had been watching a man caulking some bathroom tiles on TikTok. Not a sexual thing I swear.
Aye aye, what was this? I could think of only two reasons for the Good Lady to call me upstairs and both of them involved shagging. Well, when in Rome.
I got up and smirked at myself in the mirror that hung over the fireplace.
You've still got it, you handsome big bastard.
My reflection nodded at me in agreement.
I headed to the stairs and the spring in my step from my own sheer desirable mannity made me almost fly to the top in a single step.
A Christmas shag, a rare thing given that a) Christmas only happens once a year and b) we had children which are the best contraception known to man.
I wondered what it was to be, a longy? A quickie? A frantic two cats in a sack scratchy one? So many choices. The kids weren't asleep yet so it might just have to be a quickie. That was fine.
It was dark upstairs, no lights on anywhere.
I chortled, the naughty minx. was it going to be like pin the pork bifter on the donkey then?
Where are you milady? I am here. Ready and waiting!
Thankfully my eyes were beginning to adjust to the dark and I could start to discern shapes within the shadows. This was most fortunate because the Little Lady had a six-foot giraffe which she left in random locations upstairs and it wouldn't do for me to bump into it and start giving it the hokey cokey by accident.
The Good Lady for all her goodness could be savage with the jealousy.
I've got you an early Christmas present...
Her voice echoed with sexy mysteriosity around me.
Come into the toilet...quickly!
The toilet eh? I mean, it wasn't the worst place but possibly not my first choice. Still, the travails of man are hard to bear but bear them we must.
I snorted, shaking my head like a magnificent stallion before pawing at the floor and making my way to the toilet. As my hand touched the doorknob the Good Lady spoke again.
Close your eyes!
Her voice sang with naughty cheer which was awesome because it's no fun shagging someone who is miserable.
I closed my eyes.
The door opened and I felt her hand reach out to one of mine and pull me inside.
This was it. Salt Beef Taco time.
Open your eyes!
I snapped them open almost before she said the words and...
And what the fuck?
There was no naked lady before me. In fact, it was still dark but there was an odd blue light shining from the toilet??!
Um, what the fuck, woman?
I tried to hide my disappointment at the sheer lack of shagosity that was going on but it was hard.
You like it? It's a 'Toi-light!'
The Good Lady beamed an eerie blue-lit smile at me.
It's a fucking what?
I looked at her, in her pyjamas and then at the toilet still lit with an eerie blue hue.
I knew you'd love it! Isn't it cool? It's got a motion sensor. So when you come in in the middle of the night you don't have to put on the light!
At that moment the light clicked off, vaguely I saw the Good Lady wave her arm and as if by magic the light in the toilet pan came back on.
Oh, oh my. That is... um, well. That is good eh. I guess that's science in action right there. Erm, awesome?
I projected as much enthusiasm as I could through the no-shag disappointment I was feeling. She seemed to be fooled.
Just wait till tomorrow baby, you are going to love the rest of them!
She giggled and gave my hand a squeeze before prancing away like one of Santa's deer.
I sighed and looked down at my blue-lit toilet.
Fuck sake, what the fuck will tomorrow bring?