Hey dude, you are quite friendly with Julia aintcha?
I was on the train heading into the office. I looked up to see Eric, a guy I worked with.
Eh, well aye. She sits near me?
He flumped down on the seat next to me smiling happily.
Excellent man, excellent. Can you ask her out for a coffee at lunch or something?
Can I fucking what?
Eric was single, having recently split up with his wife. He had obviously decided enough time had passed for him to be on the market and went on excitedly to detail a cunning plan involving me asking Julia out for a friendly coffee and then him joining us by accident. He would then use this as groundwork for asking her out on a real date.
I didn't like it.
What a shit idea. Why don't you just ask her to go for a coffee yourself? None of this involving me pish?
He made a Vegan eating crabsticks face.
No way man, I need somebody to fill in the gaps, you know crack the jokes if it gets awkward.
Hmm, was I was supposed to be flattered by this? It didn't bode well. I mean what if they hit it off famously? Where would it end? Would I be in the same bed cracking one off whilst they did it beside me just in case he lost his rhythm and I had to step in to maintain the pace?
I didn't like it. Not one bit.
Nah mate, listen. Just ask her if she fancies a coffee at lunchtime. She will either say yes or no. No subterfuge. Honesty is the best option.
He stared at me like I was a masturbating monkey on the vinegar stroke.
So you're not going to help me out?
I just don't think it's wise matey-chops?
Alright, fair enough.
He looked a bit stricken and pulled his phone out pretending to look at Facebook. Oh well, I guess that conversation was over. I went back to browsing Steemit as is my thing on the morning train. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him bite his top lip. He seemed a bit narked.
You just seem quite friendly with her so I thought you wouldn't mind?
I looked up.
It's not that I mind, it's just that I think if you want to ask her out you should ask her out. Not skulk around with cunning plans.
Sorry, I just... I just really like her.
Somewhere in my coal black heart something shifted uncomfortably.
I remembered those days. I mean, I was never as hopeless at inserting my penis into things as Eric obviously was but I remembered how hard it could be when you were single.
Fuck it, I will see if I can organise something, maybe a night out. Ok?
Aw man, cheers mate. You're the best!
He spent the rest of the journey talking excitedly about a load of boring shite.
I scowled out the window cursing myself for being a big softy.