Brrrrrrbbbbbbbbbppppppfffh.
I pursed my lips together and made that noise that days-old female corpses make from their vaginas when you stand on their stomach's.
This was not good. Not good at all.
I had just finished my morning coffee and had a small window between boring work meetings. As normal I had fired up Hive and was perusing my friends feed.
There wasn't a lot happening on my personal feed and out of a strange and melancholy boredom, I hit the link to Trending.
I had no sooner done so when I was gripped with a sense of panic.
What in the hell was I doing?! No one looks at trending? No one. To even think of going there was madness.
What if someone found out? Would I be shamed publicly, like that time my penis fell out in the butchers and a lady ran screaming from the shop because she thought one of the Pig's feet had come back to life?
No, it would be fine. No one could possibly see me, after all, I had the blinds closed and the lights off, so I should be alright.
Inwardly I chuckled. Oh well, at least I would get to see lots of COVID is FAKE and BILL GATES EATS PEDOPHILE PIZZA posts.
Trending loaded up.
Which is when I had made my corpse'y vagina farting noise.
What in the tartan fucks was going on?
There were no COVID Conspiracy posts?
I mean there were interesting posts from regular people. Some cool arty posts. Some sweary post about menstruation which pleased me. After all, as a man, I find menstruation to be a right pain in the arse.
Then there were the usual development posts and rehashed shitey news posts from the usual folk...
But there were NO COVID conspiracy posts?! Nor was there anything about paedophile lizard government conspiracies.
This was awful.
What was a man to do? How was I meant to have my morning chuckle at the assorted crackpots of the internet telling us that we were being duped and that we were sheep?
I couldn't help but let out a gigglish baa'ing noise.
I pulled myself back to reality and continued scanning down trending. This was weird. Increasingly so.
Could it be, that Trending was full of normal stuff and not crackpot hogwash peeking out from beneath 3Speak's skirts?
Weakly, I held a palm to my brow to make sure I didn't have a fever.
Hang on!! There! There!! I found one!
Some post with lots of capital letters in the title shouting about Netflix and Paedophiles.
Was it a legit post though? Quickly, I clicked it open to see if it was festooned with links to other sites and a couple of pages of beggar-style crypto donation addresses.
Phew. There they were.
Reaching out, I closed my laptop with a sigh of relief.
It looked like everything was going to be ok.