I stood outside the Bank and gazed at it with a caustic eye. Bloody banks. I wondered if I might shrivel up when I entered like a vampire in the Sun, I hadn't been in one for a while. I had an appointment to open a bank account for the little boom, hopefully it wouldn't take long.
I had to take a ticket from a dispenser with a number on it and sit in a waiting room full of depressed angry looking sorts.
I was feeling quite cheery so stood out like a sore thumb. One guy, in particular, was looking at me as if he wanted to paw his leathery hooves on the ground, then charge and gore me with his horn.
Thankfully my number was called. I was tempted to shout bingo but clamped down on my errant mouth and headed into my appointment.
I sat and faced a lady who introduced herself as Fiona.
How may I help you today?
She asked robotically.
I explained that I wanted to open a savings account for the little boom in order for old and distant relatives to fling money into. She nodded and smiled as if I was telling her my patented Baker's dirty fingers joke.
Of course, yes. We can do that for you!
Her eyes sparkled like a cat smelling salmon paste and she started tapping away at her computer. She found something and swivelled the screen around and pointed at some words. They Said:
Would you like some further information on this product?
Yeah, please
She fumbled about in a drawer and then produced an iPad. I stared in bafflement as she switched it on and fannied about. Come on Fiona, no time for Candy Crush?!
Here we go, please watch this short video and I can answer questions after it.
She turned the iPad toward me, there was indeed a short video. A kinda patronising animated powerpoint deck with an annoying commentary. Eventually it ended.
And is that ok? Would you like to proceed?
Somewhat nonplussed I shook my head from side to side and up and down and grunted like a confused bear.
Right let's get you set up then.
She fannied about more with her Desktop PC, then she stared at it for a long time. Then she tapped a lot of keys.
Meanwhile, I was looking at my phone and thinking, WTFs, that's been almost 20 minutes?
Finally, she stopped tapping away like a demented woodpecker.
Right, we are almost there. I will have to go over the terms and conditions with you if that is ok?
Hmm, yeah.
She got the iPad out again and turned it toward me.
Eh, like how long is this video going to be, I actually have things to do today?
Just a few short minutes Mr Boom.
Short minutes? Like shorter than regular minutes? Was she taking the piss out of me?
The video started, it went on for some time. I tapped my fingers on Fiona's desk and glared at her over the iPad. She absentmindedly picked her teeth with a pointy red nail. I wondered if I had boffed her once when drunk and she was attempting some sort of petty revenge?
Eventually, it was over, she took the iPad and put it in her drawer then went on to her desktop PC. She frowned, making a face like a Farmer elbow deep in a cows arse.
I am sorry, the system has frozen up. I will have to go on to our other system.
How long will that take?
Again the farmer's face.
Just a few short minutes.
Nope, I'm off. Sorry, I have stuff to do.
I got up, Fiona pleaded that it might only be a minute. I ignored her and scarpered.
Bloody banks. What's with the videos? How can they not actually open an account in 30 minutes? GAAAAARRR! Dashed greasy incompetent FIAT institutions!!