Waiting for that other shoe to drop… and old saying that references hearing a neighbors shoe hit the floor and then anticipating hearing the other drop since shoes are carried in pairs.
This saying never made much logical sense to me, but for anyone that hasn’t heard it basically means awaiting a seemingly inevitable event to take place. In most cases it references something bad that happened and you are waiting for the counterpart to complete the bad event.
The majority of my life has been spent waiting for this to occur. Yes, a horrible state of mind to be in always wondering or worry about what bad thing will happen next. The good news is that when you finally hear that other shoe hit the floor, your wait is over!
Very recently, that other shoe finally touched down, and now that the fall out of the bad is over I can finally move on to the next phase of life!
If you have read any of my pasts posts, then you already know that myself and my ex have been living at @gardenofeden, attempting to co-parenting our children, and working to better ourselves and overcome our dysfunction (or at least I have in reality). I have been making slow but steady progress on this front the last 8 months. Which may seem like a long time for some people, but getting rid of 36 years of unwanted conditioning and dysfunction is not as easy as it sounds. Some people never do it, but I am determined to have the next 70 years of my life be much better than the first 36!
So recently things finally came to a head for my ex and he could no longer hide the fact he was not evolving but continuing his ways of deception and manipulation to continue his path of bull shitting through life. That type of thing really doesn't fly around here. So my ex pulled out all the stops to continue to bathe himself in the subtle light of victim-hood and decided to leave @gardenofeden with a few of the other full time volunteers that were living here.
He packed all his stuff in the middle of the night (which 90% of that was really mine), and even a few items that he knew were mine and needed by myself and the children, anything of value he could get his hands on (I'm sure to sell along the way). He even took the camera we agreed to sell so we could get our autistic son some CBD oil to help him while I detoxed him from the heavy metals causing his developmental delay issues. Who in the world needs a 3D TV while living out of a truck, without electricity, with the intention of traveling the country side?
My ex and I permanently separated shortly after arriving @gardenofeden back in June of 2017. His claim to staying here all this time was because he wanted to become a better person. To learn from his mentor @quinneaker and of course to become a father for the children we have in common being @lelumunchies who is 6 years old, Patrick who is 4 years old, and the baby I am currently 9 months pregnant with. He also has two other children who are teenagers whom he has almost no contact with and over $10,000 in back child support they will never see.
So it was really no surprise that he decided to take off to "follow his dreams" and left me with all the responsibility per the norm. He knew I would never ever go with him, being he is the most untrustworthy person on the face of the earth, not to mention I would NEVER take my children away from the safest place they have ever know where they can learn, grow, and be FREE! I told him very clearly that if he choose to leave, giving up the only chance he ever has of fixing his dysfunction and being coming a human being/father then he would no longer have contact with myself or our children. He decided to leave anyway.
Now this maybe sounding like a "poor me" kind of thing, but I'm building to the lesson learned and how beneficial it actually was in my life ;-). A long time ago I read about people who have had tumors for a substantial amount of time - many years or even up to a decade. Once the tumor is gone or removed they feel like a part of themselves is missing and have a hard time reconciling how to go back to "living" without it. So lucky me that my 130 lb tumor decided to vacate my life on it's own - but at first it was still hard to try and remember how to live without all the bad that it brought. Over the course of the last few weeks, I'm starting to remember just what an amazing and strong individual I was before being involved with that craziness. Don't get me wrong, I had LOTS wrong with my life before I ever involved myself with my ex, but over the course of the last 7 years I acquired way more trauma from being with someone who claimed to want to love and help me, than I would have on my own. And not that I don't care for my children deeply but I also would have 3 less individuals to care for while working through my own issues.
Now that the dust has settled, and I'm figuring things out with the help of the amazing individuals that reside here @gardenofeden, I'm more prepared for life than I have been in a long time! Knowing that the responsibility is always mine is actually a relief in many ways, I no longer have to wonder or be stressed out by not received the support of the other "parent". I no longer have to worry about my children being exposed to the dysfunction that my ex has and refuses to address within himself. I'm finding that as I evolve and clean up my own issues, my children in turn get better each day because they are no longer living their lives according to my dysfunctional vortex they were sucked into before. Even when we try our hardest, or have the BEST intention at heart, as long as we live unaware and without bettering ourselves then our poor kids are exposed to all the bullshit of our past. Many of us unconsciously perpetuate abuse in those types of cycles. Perfect example of this is since my ex's departure, my son who was only saying one word at a time has actually started stringing at least a few words together to get closer to forming sentences! We are all so much better off already in just a few short weeks!
I'm not sad for myself and I'm not sad for my children. For all the bad that we experianced in life, we now have an amazing opportunity to shift our energy to create nothing but an unbelievable future! Once you focus your energy and attention to the positive you will have equal amounts of wonderful things to be thankful for. I know that I will connect with whomever I am meant to share my life with and now it will be much easier with my ex out of our lives. I know this person will be an amazing role model for my children and give them the understanding, time, love, and attention they never received from their biological creator. I hope for my ex's sake that he finds a way to heal himself so his life will eventually be happy and filled with meaning as well.
So don't be scared of change! Don't worry about that other shoe! Be glad that tumor is gone so you can remember how wonderful things can be without those blockages!
Be amazingly grateful every day that you wake up because that means everyday you have the potential to become the BEST version of yourself in this life :-)
Comments, questions, shared experiences are always welcome!