Today I would like to tell you a bit more about myself, why I do what I do, and why I'm working so hard at getting there. Wherever "there" is.
This morning I woke up, and as usual, followed my morning routine to check in on all my social media. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who has this routine.
You don't even have this routine
What do you mean by that Fictional Reader?
Well, first of all you don't normally wake up in the morning
Well sometimes I do, depends on my schedule.
YOU DON'T HAVE A SCHEDULE!
Fair enough
Anyway, as I was saying. This morning (afternoon) ok, afternoon...
There happy now?
Yeah
Cool, can I continue now?
Sure, continue!
So, this AFTERNOON, I woke up and did my normal routine (looks over at Fictional Reader)....
I get to Facebook, and as fairly common there is that "Facebook memories" at the top of my feed. You know the one, it shows you a random post you made in the past. I'm not the biggest fan of this feature, because more often than not it kinda depresses me when I see those memories. But, today's memory was one that I needed. I needed it especially right now.
It was me linking to a website I had just found called PhishTracks.com
When I had linked to it I had also wrote this.
"Ok this is just freaking awesome. Someone gave me my first Phish cassette in 92' while I was in treatment after a suicide attempt. I listened to that tape over and over and over again. Playing mainly the song "Glide" so much so that I still to this day will randomly start singing it.
"And we're glad glad glad that you're alive
And we're glad glad glad that you'll arrive""
So why did I needed to be reminded of this memory today? I'll get to that but first let me tell you why I normally hate the Facebook Memories feature. I promise you it all ties in, so just say with me.
Normally when I see a memory pop up in my feed, it is a picture of me when I feel better about myself and my image. I struggle a lot with body image issues like most people do. But for me I would say they are not just passing thoughts. You see I'm transgender and up until a few years ago I had presented much more like myself. However, since then I lost my job, lost most of my income, and my depression for the last several years has had the best of me.
Today, I hate to look into the mirror. I hate what I see. Me the person Lindsay (not dj FUGLY) is a freaking awesome person I know this. My memories often times remind me of this. But these days I don't feel like Lindsay, I don't feel like the person I see in those pictures. I don't feel that happiness and hope that I felt then.
Now being bipolar I know this is passing, I know that tomorrow, hell even later today I could be on top of the world. But that's just part of it. Often times I feel my depressive states are getting longer, as I get older. As I get further away from the person I see in those Facebook memories, and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.
When you suffer mental health related issues, and grew up seeing your family suffer from them you get a perspective of what your future could end up looking like. Watching the people you are supposed to love be chipped away by there mental health is painful to watch. What's worse is being able to identify with it because you know it first hand.
I'm older than I'm willing to admit under my "dj FUGLY" branding, but I can tell you that my mental health issues has chipped away about me. So, when I see those memories on Facebook, and I look at myself, I have a longing to be there again. To be that person again. But, today I feel so far away from that person that I don't even know how I would get there.
As promised I would tell you why that post about the song "Glide" was something I needed to see. For the last week I have been struggling with my depressing pretty bad. I knew it was bound to happen, considering I just prior came out of a really intense manic phase that lasted way longer than I'm normally comfortable with.
That's the thing with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder, your highs (mania) can be extremely high and last for longer periods of time, and the same goes with your lows (depression). It's such a massive swing that it can be overwhelming. I'm extremely hard on myself when it comes to my expectations. I'm too stubborn to give in, or give up.
And sometimes I just need to hear
"And we're glad glad glad that you're alive,
And we're glad glad glad that you'll arrive"
Thanks Fictional Reader, you have a lovely voice
No problem, you're welcome, and thanks
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and if you'd like to hear a live version of the song, you can do so here courtesy of a Youtube person named j0ndaily and Phish supporting bootlegs of their shows.
-dj FUGLY
Electronic Music Producer
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