Today, allow me to be human. Over the past few days, I haven't been feeling the sunshine side of my life. Maybe it has something to do with the gloomy weather. Maybe it is just the feelings of uncertainty brought by the Pandemic. Now I have a great excuse to feel low. Sometimes I think I need a serious therapy for all these issues I concealed as humor. Welcome to the other side.
I take back what I had written yesterday, because today, I am taking things way too seriously again. Hell, I don't even want to take me taking things seriously seriously. But this is just all part of being human.
You know, feeling confused, alone, and sad. It even feels good to never miss any of these feelings. It's tea time with my inner demons I say. And let's see what I can make off this little meeting with my long lost friends.
I honestly don't know where to get the strength sometimes. Trying to make it through the day seems to require a lot of effort these days. But, I still have to get up, pour myself a cup of coffee, read, take a nice shower, and eat a simple meal. So don't you all worry, I have a survival instinct of a feral cat.
Breathe. It's not all that bad.
We do have moments like this. And maybe a good cry is all I need. Or maybe a big hug? Or maybe a friend by my side who will say, hey it's okay to be You.
Meanwhile, other people are being people out there. Why can't they just be nice to one another? It is easier not to care. Sometimes I feel like we are just lying to each other through masked personalities and superficial politeness. When we stop all the lies and embrace our primal instinct, we might not even like ourselves.
A lot has been triggering my anxiety lately. It feels like some people are out there to hurt me and make me constantly suffer. This world I know is full of pain. I wish I can turn things around in a snap but that would be too boring. Though I had been victimized, many times, I don't claim myself as a victim. But sometimes part of being human is to momentarily slip into victim mode and just have a good fight. It feels good to be mad. Sanity is overrated.
I feel sorry for those who feel repressed. If you come to think of all those psycho criminals out there and what they had been through, you will understand the reason behind their behavior. If you had been wronged repeatedly, that can make YOU. And there is only so much of this that you can take.
But, I can only be grateful for being in a dark place right now for creativity comes out like a faint of light sipping through the cracks. It is only through these moments that I feel I have so much to write, so much to create, so much to love. I revel in these deep feelings. And I can find ways to shine even in my own darkness.
Perhaps tomorrow, I'm going to be my usual self again. Being randomly Me, running around with a smile and finding happiness in little things. The great thing about being alive is that there's always tomorrow to look forward to. A chance to feel better. A chance to be better.
Life can be dark and magical at the same time.
Aww, love.
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