I don't feel comfortable performing solo shows anymore. I stopped a long time ago and forgot until recently how vulnerable I feel after a show without my band mates.
You see, I have a couple of "polite" stalkers. They haven't done anything criminal that would justify police intervention but they are unnerving.
Some of them come to shows (or my henna booth or locations I'm tagged in) and stand eerily close for too long without saying anything during my set breaks or while I'm tearing down and show up even though they've been blocked on social media and the events were deliberately not listed on my website.
I only made one mention of my show tonight just hours before it started and this particular person who has been blocked on FB must be stalking my page with a bogus profile.
I don't feel afraid for my life. But I do feel bad. I feel bad that I can't just politely ask someone for space and have them honor it. I feel bad that I have to be a bitch and publicly call these people out. The fact of the matter is, I really don't like the way I feel after interacting with them and yet I keep attracting them. I know their broken and that hurts my heart. I don't want to add anymore pain to their saga. I've tried to be kind and I think that's what sealed them to me.
But I don't want to get multiple messages a day from energetic vampires. I don't want to feel unnerved while I'm setting up or tearing down from a show. I don't want weird creepy kisses on the neck from someone after they awkwardly extract a hug from me (which I usually give freely).
The last time I played solo, I hid in the bathroom for an entire 20 minute set break. Tonight I didn't even take a break.
And for the record, if someone has blocked you and isn't returning your messages, don't expect a positive experience when you confront them in public.
Anyways, I'm at a loss because I do want people who genuinely enjoy my music to have access to it but at the same time, no amount of money or accommodation is worth the feeling I have right now.
Because I'm literally feeling guilty for having boundaries and stating them.