Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Have you ever had a gut feeling fighting your rationality?
Lately I find myself in a situation that should have been a new beginning, but develops into a nightmare.
Some of you may remember me meeting a girl beginning of the year. I helped her renovate her house and spent endless hours in support of her dream to open up a shelter for kids and teens. In my effort to help her she came to me and asked if I would wanted to start the project with her together, but in order to do so I would have to go through a 3 year long vocational training.
Because of the Corona situation, where I lost all jobs, that sounded like a real alternative, despite the fact that I would have to start from scratch. So I agreed and started school in September.
At the beginning I met a girl that was straight in her vision, I trusted her. During the course of the following months she started showing signs of uncertainty and choleric behavior. I explained it to myself with the stress that the construction site caused. Many craftsmen dropped out and the whole project was noticeably delayed.
The way she treated people became more and more questionable. I noticed that it was difficult for her to admit her own mistakes, everyone else was always to blame for her situation. She also began to be strange with me and I began to try not to let my other side break through. If you trigger my inner security, we have a problem.
The situation
The situation reached a climax yesterday. During the last few months there have been repeated meetings with the responsible bodies who oversee and officially approve the project. Including the management of the carrier. I was never present at these meetings, which was okay for me, as my concerns had been clarified for the time being. She always just mentioned the dates, stating that I didn't have to attend. So also yesterday's appointment.
The day before I lent her my car because hers was in the workshop. She didn't bring it back in the evening, but I thought nothing of it. I wrote her that I needed it on Friday and would pick it up myself at noon. No particular reaction so everything was clear to me. Now I came Friday at noon to get the car. She invited me for a short coffee, which I accepted but made clear that I wanted to go right away.
Suddenly she asked me if I knew what today is. I said no with a questioning look. Then all hell broke loose. She got loud and said that today was an important meeting, the management is coming and how I couldn't attend. I told her that at all the other meetings in the past she told me that my presence was not necessary, and this time she did not tell me that it would be different.
She freaked out screaming that she would have explicitly told me 3 times, which she didn't. I'm a reliable person and would not skip a known meeting. As I tried to clarify the situation in a calm tone, she became more and more angry. She started a monologue and every time I tried to say something she was of the opinion that she would not be allowed to finish her sentences. Are you kidding me?
The aftertaste
I noticed this behavior pattern quite often in the past and it left a bad aftertaste.
The situation escalated and I left the house. A reasonable clarification was not possible, and I was shocked how much the fact that she might have made a mistake pushed her into a corner and started a choleric counter-attack.
In the end her main argument was that I should have known that I should take part in a conversation at some point. Kinda like asking my magic ball, then I would have known that this time it was time to participate. In addition, I should have admitted that it was my fault.
It gets even stranger. In one of the message she wrote to me after I left she stated that it would be ok now if I didn't come any more, I had offered her to join later. She would have made a mistake regarding the time and the appointment would take place later in the day. Well, wasn't her argument that she told me 3 times explicitly? How come you mix up times if you are sure about the appointment?
I again offered to participate, but stated that it may be hard to pretend that everything is good with us since the whole situation escalated and emotions were running high. I'm a bad actor when it comes to that. I needed a confirmation that we speak with one voice in that meeting and that she got herself under control.
All I got back was her being pissed of saying that she doesn't know if I'm joining or not. Did I missed something? I said I would come, but under certain circumstances. Everything else would be counterproductive.
The end of the story was that I canceled my participation. I told her that it doesn't make sense under these circumstances and that I would get in contact with the management and clear the situation in my way and with my point of view. I even backed off saying that I will claim it as a misunderstanding from my side due to the fact that I never participated before.
Never heard back from her ever since.
The conclusion or confusion
This was the last drip lately that made me questioning the whole thing. If a little misunderstanding or fault in communication cannot be solved in a normal way, how might serious problems be solved? If she is not able to admit to the slightest mistake from her side how can we work together for the good of kids and teens?
Long story short, I might give up. I can't walk on raw eggshells all the time and hope that she has a good day. I can only tolerate it to a limited extent when someone has choleric attacks. I can no longer hope that her behavior is only due to the current circumstances. Or can I?
It wasn't the first situation and apologizing for her behavior every time is not a solution either. I am a very understanding and patient person. But if that is trampled on, I have to let go.
Oh well, it feels good to write it down here, even if everything is at stake again. How to survive in super expensive Germany? I'm clueless again as of now.
My gut says GO my brain says BE ADULT AND PUSH THROUGH. What to listen to?
I cannot deny that finishing the 3 years would bring job opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise. But I'm doubting if that is really what I should do but on the other hand have no other alternative as of now.
Well I could do just any job, maybe I should and move on trying to find something that brings food on the table, a roof above my head, fulfills the needs of my loved ones AND brings some joy.
What that is? I know and I don't.
My thanks
Thanks to everyone making it through this post and maybe some of you are able to support me mentally. In the end I just needed to get it off my chest, but am still not clear myself on what to make of it or not.
@stevenson7 asked me to tag him and I wanna thank him for his interest in my current situation.
