Seeing ourselves through the eyes of others can be sometimes unhealthy to us, it can ruin the way we see ourselves and that can be a very big problem.
For so many years I saw myself through the eyes of others, I craved people's validation, only people's opinions mattered to me and that contributed greatly to my low self-esteem.
Today I share with you all my journey.
I dealt with insecurities, I was so insecure about my body for years. I was a skinny girl, one who was the same size for so many years, one who could fit into her clothes from so many years ago.
Name-calling from body shamers was inevitable, I was called different names by different people, names like; "letter I", broomstick, toothpick, and so many other names. The name-calling wasn't even the only issue that came with you being skinny, another part was people making fun of you by insinuating you could break at any moment or the wind could blow you awayđ trust me there were mean people everywhere and they didn't miss the chance to crack other people up without using me as the object of their joke, how did I feel? Terrible!
Hearing these stupid names every now and then from my teenage days to adulthood made me feel very insecure about my body and it made me feel like I was the skinniest and ugliest person in the world.
I kept living with such mentality for a very long time, the constant voice that reminded me that I was not good enough did not do me any good.
I grew up hating the way I looked, I envied people who had good shapes and I felt small being in the presence of my cousins and friends who looked bigger than me despite me being older than them. As a result of this self-hate, I hated looking at the mirror and I also stopped taking pictures.
Over time I found a little way of reducing how skinny I looked and that was wearing big clothes.
My choice of clothing was funny as I would never wear clothes my size, I resorted to big dresses, T-shirts, baggy pants and so many other clothes that made me look bigger than I was, and to a point it was working for me. The false image these clothes provided reduced the body shaming but I wasn't happy with myself. I was deceiving myself and everyone else and I felt so bad. I kept questioning the universe why I was skinny and what offense I had committed to turn out different from the rest of my family.
To maintain this charade I had to spend a lot on clothes. I bought a lot of big clothes and these clothes were not cheap, buying the clothes wasn't even the problem but abandoning them in my closet right after I felt they weren't doing the job was the major problem.
My closet was filled with these "costumes" that I almost nearly wear and to top it all it was wrecking me financially.
The older I grew the supposedly "wiser" I became. I got to study about meals with high calories and I started eating uncontrollably. I ate any and everything that I heard could make a person âfatâ and going on such a diet was not cheap!
Keeping up with this charade for a long time was insane.
I had a wake-up call one day. I had to advise and tell myself the truth that I was doing just too much for peopleâs approval, I was seeking validation from people for myself, and that wasn't healthy and the big clothes were deceptive and had to go!
I decided to turn a new leaf.
Do you know one thing about turning a new leaf? it's so easy to say it, itâs so easy to boast about it, heck it's so easy to keep up for a few days or weeks but the real struggle comes when you begin to have triggers and feel demotivated.
I began my journey, but it wasn't an easy one as I kept holding on to the words of these body shamers, the voices in my head didn't fail to remind me of how I wasn't good enough. I struggled with renewing my mind and seeing myself through my eyes only.
It was so hard to accept that the words they said to me werenât true, and it was harder to believe that I was beautiful just the way I was.
It's been one hell of a journey. I am constantly letting go of those voices, insecurities, and emotional baggage, I am not where I wish to be yet but oh boy I have come a long way, and to me thatâs progressđ
All images are mine except otherwise stated.