You know, with my obsession to look cool in everyone's eyes, I did ridiculous things that I regretted later on. One of the things that I thought would make me look cool is to be a man or just act like a man. I always thought being a man was really cool, but because I can't do anything to change my gender, acting like one is what I can do. I know it's absurd and crazy, but I did it anyway, lol.
Ever since, I always feel envy whenever I see a man who can do anything they want. They are much stronger than women, and I want that kind of strength. I want to be invincible, so no one will touch me or bully me. Well, I am not really sure why I even think of it. But I think one of the reasons is that my mom (Auntie) is a tomboy. She's a woman who acts like a man, and she's really cool.
It's like she influenced me to do this, but it is partly what I want. She didn't even tell me to act like a man, and I just found out that she's doubting my gender because of the way I act. But I am really not, I just act this way because this is what I'm used to, but I am 101% in love with men, lol. Anyways, yeah, I just love to act tough in front of everyone so that no one will belittle me.
The first thing I did for this operation, "Be like a man," was shave the hair in my underarm. It happened during elementary days, and I just heard that when you shave your hair somewhere on your body, it will grow more hair once it grows again. So, because of my plan, I started doing that. I find it weird having more hair on my underarms, but men have that, so I need to have that.
And that's just the start of my ridiculous plan. And just like a man, whatever a man will do and have, I will have it too. I started to act like a man, and I started with how I walk. You know that, like a "Siga" sa kanto, and I am so overacting doing that, lol. But then later on, I perfected it too. I don't have to be o.a., I can do it smoothly, and I already adapted it until now, lol.
And while waiting for my underarm to grow more hair, I also started shaving the hair on my legs, from the top to the button. I still remember using my papa's Dorco blade for his beard. And I am just sneaking it because he might get mad at me, lol. And because Mommy's (Auntie's) house is a few steps away from my biological parents' house, she never learned about these crazy things I did.
All I want is for the hair to grow more thickly, like super kapal sana, just like what a man has, lol. And that wish did come true. That's why, as the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for," because it can actually happen. And now I have to pay for this ridiculous wish that I made in my childhood days. I hate myself, and I feel like having more hair on the underarm is actually a curse.
I know it's solely my fault, but I was just being a kid before. And I am regretting it now! If I can turn back time, I will never ever do that again! EVER! But you know what? It didn't stop there, because I found another way for me to look more like a man. I thought I would look more like a man if I had a moustache. Oh God! This is really embarrassing, hahaha! "I hate you self!"
I also regretted doing that because I had to suffer for a long time. Every time I take a bath, I feel pain on that part of my face, on the upper lip of my mouth. I think that's because I shaved the baby hair that was protecting that part of my mouth. And it would hurt more if I used head and shoulder shampoo, lol. Eh diba, matapang yon masyado, lol. Argg! My ridiculousness!
This is the only way I know to make me look more manly, aside from acting like one. Although I regretted it, reminiscing about it all like this is quite fun, lol. I have these memories that I can look back on when I get old, like how absurd all of my ideas are and how I actually make them happen.
This is my entry for week 4 of the contest in HivePH with the theme: Childhood Recollections. I had fun writing this because I had time reminiscing the past.
