I actually see the stages of grief play out everyday with time.
The pain, hurt, confusion and the numbness that comes with it is something that no one can describe not even if we share the exact same experience.
I consider myself a pretty strong girl with just enough mental and emotional strength to go through certain unpleasant events in life and still maintain a smile on my face.
This particular incident has given me just enough insight to know that I do not have a healthy way of dealing with negative emotions.
You see in this part of Africa, Nigeria to be precise, mental health awareness is only just beginning to come into limelight and get the attention that it deserves.
Only a couple of days ago did I realize that I had neither cooked nor craved jollof rice, a very very very common staple over here and my favourite dish to be precise.
At first I brushed it off as nothing important seeing as there are many ways of preparing rice in general and it really had nothing to do with my loss so i just concluded that I simply wasn't interested in preparing the dish and left it at that.
After preparing and exhausting all other forms of rice over time I decided that I wanted to make jollof rice. There I stood in the kitchen with all my ingredients ready and I couldn't bring myself to begin cooking. I felt a tightening in my chest and a feeling of heaviness I could not explain.
Why? I had made this dish a million times before so what could possibly be wrong?
And then the answer came!
That was what was cooking the night he had the accident on his way home from work. I wasn't even around. I had just travelled down from a different state that night.
I still made the dish though but not without my curiosity getting the best of me and I decided to read a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) and I was able to make a connection.
I was previously of the notion that PTSD only occured in war veterans or those who have suffered a traumatic and life changing event such as rape. I now understand that it goes way beyond that and its effects are peculiar to each individual and circumstance.
I don't know if there is any conclusion or this is just a rant but what I do know now is that when it comes to the human mind or psychology there isn't a one size fits all neither is there any hard and fast rule.
Continuous awareness and research is the only way to go.
Take care of your mental health. Seek the necessary help and speak up..