Love and relationships are two of life’s greatest mysteries. You get so wrapped up in them, and when you are not careful enough, it entangles you, traps you, and could make you lose your sense of self. These same mysteries, when done right, can make your world align so beautifully that you never have to worry.
I found myself in an unexpected friendship a few months ago. The final agreement was to be good friends, and we spoke almost every day. It didn’t take long, though, when feelings started to pop up here and there. We talked about relationships; we talked about love. It was then that I found out that my friend had a past relationship that broke him, and I did too. The difference between us was that I chose to move on from that rather than wallow in regret over the terrible choices I had made.
My friend, E., and I discussed and planned trips and all we would do together for the year. We talked about babies, too. After six months of numerous and consistent conversations, I travelled for a health check, and he happened to also stay in the same city, so I stopped by to see him. I admit I teased him because I liked him a lot. We talked, argued, and played around a bit, and he kissed me along the way. After that, we were kissing for a very long time, which for me was the first decent kiss in a long while. I went back to my hotel and left for my own state the next day. Everything was okay after that, or so I thought. The day I suggested to him that we should take our relationship up a notch was the day he changed. He became rude to me whenever I said things in a romantic sort of way, things that we usually said. He stated multiple times that he never wanted to date me romantically and that I coerced him, which led to an argument. I met this with shock, as I had thought so many things.
‘Did I force myself on him?'
‘Did I misinterpret all his actions towards me?’
‘Am I inadequate for him?’
‘Why me and not others?’
‘I thought we had chemistry. I thought we had a mutual understanding. Was I stupid?’
These questions played over and over again in the back of my mind. ‘How did I get here?’, I asked myself further. ‘How did I come to even think that I could love someone who wanted nothing of the sort from me and thought that he would reciprocate?’
I called him after taking about a week to process the situation and separate my emotions from the facts. Our conversation went like this:
‘Good evening, E.’
‘Sarah Oba. How are you?’
'I am fine’. I said. I wasn’t in the mood to exchange pleasantries.
‘I will get straight to the point, E. I called to clarify some things you said to me during our last argument’, I informed him. ‘Did you feel anything for me, or was I alone in this? Why would you say I forced myself on you when everything that happened was mutual? You started the morning calls, the afternoon check-ins, and the late-night phone calls. You started it all. I never wanted it initially. How exactly did I force you to do all these things?’.
‘I got carried away. I am sorry. It was never my intention to let it get to this point’, he replied.
‘Ah. You got carried away?’, I asked. ‘That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard’, I thought.
‘It is true I got carried away and you forced yourself on me. That is true too. I stated I wanted just friendship and nothing else’, E. said.
‘So. Is it my fault for being honest with my feelings and letting you know about them? I remember telling you that I didn’t even want friendship at that point in my life. But you kept calling me. I chose to pick up those calls and converse with you until they became something that I looked forward to each day. I didn’t force you; I stated my feelings for you unashamedly and honestly a repeated number of times, and you still chose to talk about trips with me anyway, making commitments that you knew you may never keep. I am clearly at fault, and this was a mistake’, I told him.
‘Have you eaten?’, he asked.
‘Are you kidding me right now? I am trying to end this conversation, and you shouldn’t be asking such questions’, I replied.
‘This is how it is going to end, E. I would call to return the books you gave me the next time I am in your city. But this ends now. Goodnight, E.'
He was quiet, but I ended the call anyway, and I felt uncertainty and grief wash over me as I mourned the loss of another friend whom I genuinely cared about. I just couldn’t be in love with someone I couldn't be with and keep listening to him talk about those he is with or trying to be with. It could even affect potential relationships. It is not good for my mental and emotional well-being. I still care, though, and it is for the best.
I am sure it was never my intention to fall in love, but I did, and it is nice to just have someone who gets you. It is a mystery when the heart wants what it wants. You can't run from it, can't hide from it, can't be free from it. Love and relationships aren’t for the faint-hearted.