I frowned a bit as I checked my result. Just like all the other times, I "tried."
Tried for me meant taking less than the first position. It meant being among the top ten students in each subject but a part of me wanted to do more than try.
"Jumoke, what's your position?" I asked and stared at her. A part of me hoped she'd take the third position for the first time in years.
I watched as she smiled and looked away.
Tell me already. I mentally screamed.
I watched as she stole a glance at her results as if her position wasn't in her head.
"I took…" Jealousy sparked within me as she began to speak. I wanted this. I wanted this so bad. So why wasn't I getting it?
Why can't I ever be the first? Why?
"...first position." I sighed as she said so. She flashed me a smile and hurried to her seat. I returned it with a fake one.
"Ruth, do you still need to borrow my textbook? Should I bring it tomorrow?" I stared at her shiny dark skin and nodded. Pride tried to hold back my tongue but I didn't let it. I needed that book.
"Okay." She said in a chirpy voice. She turned to go to her seat when she paused at the last minute and stopped me. "Congratulations on your result. I heard you got the highest score in Biology. You're a scholar." She smiled and winked at me then walked away.
A smile formed on my face as I muttered, "Thank you." If I didn't like her, I'd hate her so much.
I sighed, walked to my desk and grabbed my books. It was time for Chemistry class at the laboratory.
"I heard you got your results today." I sighed and shook my head. I hoped she wouldn't talk about it.
The Chemistry teacher adjusted her glasses and scanned the class. I imagined for a second what she was seeing. She was probably seeing a mix of female faces of different skin tones wearing different looks.
Some of the looks were nonchalance, joy or like the one on my face, disappointment.
"I'm sure you now know what your strengths and weaknesses are." She nodded.
"Who got the highest in Chemistry?" The lab went silent as we waited for her to figure it out.
"It's Jumoke, right?"
"Yes, ma." We chorused.
"Who got the highest score in Further mathematics?"
"Jumoke." We chorused. She nodded and made eye contact with each of us.
"I don't know how you see the world but you need to sit up. You don't go out for tough competitions. You just sit here and put in minimum effort and expect to be the best." She tutted.
"It doesn't work like that."
Her words went straight to my heart.
Yes, I wanted to be the best but did I work that hard for it?
Did I?
"When you write your S.S.C.E and leave this place, you'll see that there's a world out there where you can't even be seen as one of the best because you're not working hard. You're not putting in the work. Read. Read like crazy. The other students in private schools are much smarter than you, much more exposed, so the advantage you have is your brain." She tapped her head.
"Use your brain and work hard. Work so hard that you'll be confident. Your results will show it. I hope you understand." As she said her last sentence, she glanced at me.
Her words broke the defences of my heart and struck me. I agreed reluctantly with what she said.
I wanted to be the best and I was disappointed that I wasn't and it was because I didn't work as hard as I should have.
Her words fired up something in me. I mulled over it and shoved it away when I saw her writing on the whiteboard.
She called me after the class and told me to sit.
"Ruth, how was your result?"
"It was fine, ma. I took the second position." I watched with bated breath as she thought it through. I knew what was coming.
"What about Chemistry?" I let out a breath. I knew she would ask.
"I was the second highest. I scored sixty-eight percent."
"Sixty-eight." She hummed. I let my eyes fall to her desk as shame engulfed me. Disappointment made room for itself in my heart.
I had failed myself and my favourite teacher.
"You tried." I kept a straight face.
I hate that word.
"But you can do better." She cocked her head and made eye contact with me.
I chuckled. "How? This is the last school exam we'll ever write. How will that happen?"
She smiled and removed her glasses. I sat up, to listen to her.
"It's not your last exam. Strive to be better. I'm sure I told you earlier." She pointed to the spot where she stood to talk to us.
"The world is very competitive and you can only come out as the best if you forget about secondary school fame and focus on the present. Work hard."
I nodded and let the words sink into me. It lit a fire in me that burned and gave me warmth. The fire chased out of shame and disappointment.
I nodded.
I'll put in my best. I swore to myself.
"So don't worry, alright?" She shot me a sly smile.
"I know you wanted to beat Jumoke and take the first position." I looked sideways.
She laughed.
"But the world is more than that. It's more than you and her. All you have to do is get ready for it." I nodded.
"You can go."
I nodded and left.
Her words stayed in my heart and made a home in my head. It pushed me to put in my best in all the examinations I wrote afterwards and I came out with A's.
Especially in Chemistry.
Here's my entry to the inkwell Creative nonfiction week #45