Growing up, I was always the fat, chubby kid. According to my parents it was brought by our housemaid who feeds me and my brother more than recommended. Honestly, it was not easy growing up fat. I was ridiculed in school and my relatives always remind me at a young age that I should be on a diet.
Looking back, I believe that was the root of my self-image issues. I was made uncomfortable with my own skin at an early age. I was always called "Laki sa kusina" or "Left to fend in the kitchen" by my relatives, thinking it was a harmless joke. Furthermore, I grow up with a preconceived notion that I will always be the fat kid. School bullies didn't help, as I was called "tambok" or "fat" by peers in school. Not to mention how hard PE class was. You haven't even started the exercise, they are already laughing at you.
Puberty came, and you became more hyper aware of your self-image. It is also a tender age that your self-esteem is built up by the approval of others. During this time of my life, I am definitely not as fat as I was, but I was still in the heavy side of things. It was during also this time that you try to fit in with others, thinking it will give you the self gratification that you have been looking for. I have certainly been on trends and trying to mimic what others are doing, thinking it will give me the approval I was needing.
During these formative years, I was certainly not having a clear view of who am I. Honestly speaking, during these times I was still ashamed of my own skin. Still, with the continuing mockery of relatives of how I should go on a diet. Other than my body, I also had textured hair, that for a long time they have been forcing me to even opt for hair rebonding. I also was having trouble with my nose. My whole family has long bridge nose, while I on the other hand was having a lack of it. It was called "kamatis" or "tomato". These things were brought by relatives and friends, basically the people I surrounded myself with.
College was not helping either. I was wearing confidence like a façade. I appear like I don't really care about anyone's opinion about my body or my appearance on the outside, but as soon as I get home, the words just automatically repeats inside my head and I feel like myself drowning in shame. Not only that, but I should know better than letting other people's opinion about myself get to me, but if your insecurities since you were young are being smash to your face each time, it is hard to just live, laugh, love it out. I wear clothes like nobody can say anything to me, in my head at least that is how I convince myself, but each time I get to see myself in the mirror all I hear are echoes of ugly thoughts as to why I am not enough physically.
I have tried different diets, I have done intermittent fasting, water fasting, and all those famous fitness YouTubers exercise and advice. But each time someone says something negative not knowing how hard I was trying to be better, I slack off, I stop, I become demotivated easily. I binged eat and refuse to do any activity for days or sometimes weeks. During those times, I feel like every time I take one step forward, I digress 5 steps backwards. It was not a healthy and loving relationship with myself. Often than not it was self sabotage than self-improvement. I have developed a fat kid mentality. Where even if I am not as heavy as I was, I always have a picture in my head that what I look like is similar to how fat I was, despite having huge improvements. I was close to starving myself while doing HIIT workout, yet I get frustrated because I see no changes in my body. Due to intense frustrations, I let myself go, and I gained around 5 kg of weight.
Around 7 months ago, I felt like there was something else that might be the issue as to why my body is having a hard time losing weight. I went to my OB GYNE for an issue I thought I have, it was then confirm that I am suffering with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically in layman's terms my ovaries have multiple pimples that are causing my hormones to dysfunction. It was one of the factor that no matter how hard I try, I seem to not lose any weight. The thing with PCOS if you are not dealing with it, the problem will not be solved. Due to my family health history and some other factors, it was determined that my PCOS also cause me to be Insulin Resistant.
Now that I have determined the underlying cause, it made me able to create a game plan. Along with stringent compliance to my maintenance medication to help with my PCOS, proper diet that is tailored for me by a nutritionist, and doing my research on what best exercises that are beneficial to me. Within the 7 months, I am able to lose around 10 kg of my weight.
My journey for 7 months was certainly not linear. I have fallen off more than I have been compliant. During the whole process, my mindset was shifted. I started with just merely complying for the looking at the benefit that I will lose weight and will finally fit the societal standards of what the world have imposed to doing this for my health. The fault with my previous mindset was that in the first few months, results won't be evident, and it made me stop. It discourages me to continue further. But when I was able to sit on things and meditate on it, it made me look far ahead in the future that I will comply because I want to be able to bear a child. I want to not have further complications such as ovarian cancer or endometriosis. I fear developing Type II Diabetes. This made me better at taking care of myself more. If I lose weight through the process then it will be nice, but if not I won't beat myself for it.
This journey to betterment is just starting. I know there will be times I will slack off, but I won't be too hard on myself. I have realized that scientifically biological women are not design to have a flat stomach. My view on myself will not be on how society dictates it to be. To unlearn and disassociate with the trauma I have previously on myself, and to make each day an opportunity to love and appreciate the wonders of my body, every curve, lines, and scars it has. I hope also that this will serve as a little reminder, to always be kind. It is easier to be kind than to be hateful.
You are beautiful in all ways you have never known. You are special, no matter what others may say. People will always have things to say about you but learn to minimize the noise and amplify the voice inside you saying you are enough.
Christine Mendoza
Welcome to my space in Hive. A medical technologist by day, overthinker by night, and overall a complete nervous wreck. Passionate about learning new things and doing DIY, and leaving them unfinished halfway through. Currently, in her soul-searching phase, trying to find her path in a capitalist centered world. Self rediscovery under the process and she is taking all of you in this journey of hers. See her both on the top of the mountain and in her lowest of low. This would be good and messy at the same time.
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