Behind the curtain, a lot of things are happening but I have remained silent. I actually chose to be silent because I wanted to focus on my treatment and healing journey. I often feel that this long journey might be never a never-ending journey and I won't be able to control my emotions anymore. Absurd and intrusive thoughts are always hanging inside even though I do a lot of activities including traveling.
Traveling acts as a temporary cure for my mental health struggles, and I find massive joy in exploring new places. All the trips provide a break from my daily battles by offering moments of peace and clarity. Overall, things have improved; my emotions are more controlled, and my traumas are receiving the necessary attention. Yet, the remaining questions remain.
At times, I feel that the treatment I am receiving isn't entirely providing my needs. I acknowledge the expertise of my psychiatrists and trust in their process but there are moments when I feel misinterpreted or perceive their approach as overly clinical. This method is frustrating, making me think if I am truly getting the help I need.
Despite these concerns, my emotional struggles have decreased compared to before. The therapies have made a difference. My ability to manage my emotions has improved, and the overwhelming weight of my traumas has become somewhat lighter. Maybe in time they will fade away.
I frequently experience brain blocks; I am often triggered by my ongoing battle with depression and it significantly impacts my mental health. For a long period of time, I have been undergoing EMDR therapy, which is nearing its conclusion. However, the aftermath of each session intensifies my mental state and noticeable changes appear slowly. The therapy process resembles reopening an old wound and allowing it to heal over time by reflecting on the nature of my trauma treatment. Consequently, after every session, I faced intense emotions and overwhelming pain, which in turn, worsened my depression.
I am currently suffering from severe depression. Specific overwhelming situations still trigger me and cause intense emotional distress and brief moments of blacking out. Despite these challenges, I aim to return to reality and remain strong. Unfortunately, many people fail to understand my struggle and often neglect me in various circumstances. I feel isolated all the time, in fact, I am isolated from society and surroundings. The intense stress and anxiety arising from my traumas had led to chronic headaches and neurological problems. Surprisingly, my neurologist cannot prescribe any additional medications due to my current prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping aids. She has only been able to provide medication for my migraines. Nowadays, my body language and facial expressions reflect my anxiety and depression, even though I am often unaware of these signs myself.
Depression is a devastating illness, a never-ending struggle that destroys my daily life. I feel like it's an invisible illness that shows through my expressions and body language; betraying my silent suffering. Sometimes, I feel disgusted living with such draining mental health conditions but it's something I cannot ignore or escape. I have tried countless methods to improve my situation and continue to search for ways to prevent depression from haunting me. Even if I manage to hold it shortly, it resurfaces in my nightmares, draining my inspiration and leaving me always uncomfortable.
This constant discomfort has drained my spirit for activities I once enjoyed, such as writing and socializing. I now avoid social gatherings, events, and interactions. I prefer isolation over the stress of connection. Even though I receive treatment for my traumas and PTSD on a regular basis, I am not fully cured. So, my psychiatrist has recommended me to another institution for advanced psychiatric treatment; it's a crucial decision I have yet to make.
What has changed so far? The changes are slight yet meaningful for someone battling depression or at least for me. Despite facing some severe setbacks, I have managed to stay strong, and that's perhaps the most significant change brought about by my treatment. Previously, I could express my feelings, thoughts, and emotions in great details, but now I find myself struggling to do so. I often lack answers and feel at a loss for words. A part of me remains filled with emptiness. Nonetheless, these small changes, although not always visible, are crucial steps in my healing journey.
I am unsure if this is part of the healing process, but I allow my emotions to flow freely. It's okay to grieve and it's okay not to be okay.
While my journey with mental health treatment is ongoing and sometimes challenging, I am experiencing gradual improvements. Traveling offers a valuable escape, and despite occasional doubts about my treatment, my emotional burdens have become more manageable. This combination of professional help and personal coping strategies continues to guide me toward better mental health. The uncertainty of my journey is painful. How much longer will I need to continue these therapies? I have no answer. All I know is that depression and PTSD are a powerful illness, and I must keep fighting, hoping that one day I will find relief from this torment.
PS: Maybe I should open a community where people can find a safe place to share their struggles, emotions, and mental health problems. 🤔
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
Find me on:
The author captures all images used...