Here is my entry for the open mic comedy contest! It's inspired from the weekly pun contest, hosted by @improv ... This week's theme was cereal, I went all-out coming up with ideas for the at one, but I just decided to try and turn that momentum into a little cereal routine for this contest!
What is the deal with breakfast cereal marshmallows? I mean, are they still using the original batch produced back in 1950 from the world's biggest marshmallow or something? I refuse to believe that in the last 50 years technology has not been invented to give a better user experience with these marshmallows.
Count Chocula? More like COUNT CHALKULA!
This is supposed to be a food group? Part of a balanced breakfast? This is sugar- coated glyophosphate... Monsant O's does have a ring to it.
These things aren't fresh, if you tried to roast then for smores, I have a feeling they would just MELT. I've never squeezed a marshmallow at a campfire and turned it to dust.. They're usually mushy. Just because the dry part of the cereal has the texture of dog food, doesn't mean we want crunchy marshmallows!
There's always so much sugar, and lots of buzz words in the titles...I think they just come up with ideas from two lists of words:. One column says "golden," "honey," and "chocolate" and the other says "crunch," "O's," and "flakes."
You got Golden Crisp, Golden Grahams, Honey Smacks, Honey Graham Oh's. Honey comb, honey bunches of oats. Nut n Honey.
Honey Nut Cheerios.
The O is a popular letter for cereal-it's not even a shape it's a letter. Probably just a coincidence that an O has a lot of air there taking up room-you wouldn't want to fill up too much of the bag with actual product, I guess...Cheerios, Generic O's, you even got Oreo O's. Crisped rice, Rice Chex,Corn Chex Corn flakes Frosted Flakes. Oat Bran, Bran Flakes Nut Bran. We got Pebbles and Puffs and Kix and Trix.
What about cookie crisp? Who is eating cookies for breakfast? That's every kids dream to eat fortified cookies for breakfast-yet they don't taste anything like cookies. We were tricked. We all liked cookies and milk, but the cookie crisp is too hard without being soaked in the milk. You can't just eat cookie crisp out of the box like some other cereals... It would be like eating dry shredded wheat... Only for the extremely adventurous and psychotic.
And don't get me started on those barely-visible-with-the-naked-eye chocolate chips. Is that what the crisp is? Is that a warning to all potential purchasers?
What's about all the lost gems and temporary, limited by edition cereals of the past that went away... The ones we loved as a child..or a grown adult, as well as the forgotten gems: The Swedish Chefs cereal, Nintendo Cereal System, every blockbuster movie that came and went-the list goes on. Is there someone out there who collects old cereal boxes? Well, of course there is, I got my "trusty" Google to do the lifting for me.
And what's with Seinfeld and the cereal schtick? Does he even really like cereal? Or was he secretly on the board at General Mills? While, we're at it, was he receiving funding from Junior Mints, Snapple, or Jujyfruit... Perhaps they didn't think the bits would be so popular and that they should have picked some better snacks. Did they ever promote a healthy lifestyle? Sure, there's the mackinaw peaches and going to the gym, I suppose...and you see Jerry and crew drink a lot less beer than most 90s sitcoms, but for the most part it was free love, breaking all the rules in society, and becoming extremely neurotic about everything.
Thanks for reading! You can see that original cereal pun in post here with all my entries for that one: