So, you want to hear all about the office dynamics with that Randy Mandy chick? Ok then…
I got told today that it is “inappropriate” for me to call Mandy, “Randy Mandy’. I don’t know what all the fuss is about - she secretly likes it.
The personnel manager said I was being “sexist”. Oooh, yeah sexist, sure! ….anyone would think I had a crush on Mandy; but I don’t. I mean, just look at her, she is a real dog!
The truth is, I go out of my way to be nice to Randy Mandy despite her looks. Just yesterday, I slipped a little chocolate bar under her door to cheer her up after her hips got caught in the entry turnstile on the way in. I even made sure the choc was the weight loss type to help her get rid of her nasty double chin; I’m thoughtful like that. The choc had a diuretic and laxative in it which would assist with her fluid retention issue and stomach bloat, which frankly in my opinion, was most of the reason for the unfortunate turnstile incident.
…And I am always doing considerate things for Randy Mandy and she is always snarky back at me. At the team meeting today Randy Mandy prattled out a stupid suggestion that the team should do some training to help identify unconscious sexist bias in the workplace. She was getting all worked up about it so I told her to just let it go because she was at “that time of the month” when she gets extra crazy and hormonal. Randy Mandy then shrieked at me (thus proving my point) to “Shut the fuck up!” (How rude!).
I then kindly and slowly explained to her in specific detail what her problems are and she went hysterical. She said I was “mansplaining”. MANsplaining! How sexist is that comment! She is clearly the one with issues, not me! Really, I think it is Randy Mandy who needs the training in unconscious sexist biases.
To make amends I emailed Randy Mandy a three page outline on how she could improve her manner in the workplace. I hope she appreciates the effort it took to get it down to only three pages. Any more pages, and given she is a woman at that time of the month, I doubt she would have coped with it.
Turns out she didn’t anyway, so once again my efforts were wasted on her. She acted like a screaming banshee and burst into my office throwing things. That’s why I have this embossed print of the computer keyboard on my cheek.
She said really mean things too and as usual was making no sense at all. Like, what did she mean by that “correctile dysfunction” comment? Such a bitch! I told her to go eat another snickers bar while she waits for the turnstile repair man to get here. Well, you know what happened next, because it is why we are talking now…
Anyway, you’ve wasted enough of my time. I need to go make another sign. Last week I made a sign to get people to wipe down the counter in the coffee bar after they used it! But everyone is ignoring my sign so I am going to make a bigger sign which says, ‘Please read the signs’.
Thanks for listening. I’ll send Randy Mandy in next so you can hear her side of the story. You might need to get a bigger chair for her to sit in though.
Daily 5 minute #freewrite, prompt provided by @mariannewest
Image titled 'Please Read The Signs' original artwork of the author