What's a parents job?
@gwanjberg said he missed me posting here so I figured I would take another shot at writing for a #hivelearner post. Of course this time I found a topic that was kind of personal right now. Partly because my stepbrother died recently and partly because my youngest son will be turning 21 shortly and my younger son 19 within a few months.
Now my stepbrother had many children and he wasn't there for them very much. I've been there every step along the way for my children. However, my wife and I have diametrically opposed viewpoints on how to raise them. My wife is very Asian in her beliefs which ore or less say "look after the child forever and give them everything". I'm Canadian and I was pretty much raised that "If your child can stand on their own you did a good job". Of course those are oversimplifications but its close enough for this article.
Love and Care
When my first son came into the world I thought it my job to love and care for my child. I would like to think that I have always loved my sons(s) and cared for them the best that I can. However, when my oldest son became a teenager I came to a very quick realization that loving and caring for a child isn't enough! During that time when he was rebelling against his parents and determined to leave the house as soon as he could I came up with a realization.
MY primary goal as a parent is not to love and care for my chlid
Of course I'm certain that many people will disagree with that statement and truthfully I might disagree with it myself. So, let me dissect that statement a little bit.
I believe my children are a precious gift given to me. I believe it is my duty to take good care for and cherish every gift I'm given. Wife, Children, Family, home and everything else I have.
BUT children are a limited time gift. I don't get to hold onto them forever. There will be a time that they strike out on their own. There will be a time when my sons become parents and fathers (all going well). Thinking of that let me realize my true purpose as a father.
Train up a capable adult
When my son was 16 and rebellious I sat down with him and told him. "Son, you may not like it under my roof. You may want to leave and do your own thing. That is your choice as soon as your an adult. However, that's in 2 years time, during that time I will do my very best to make sure you are ready to leave". That may sound harsh but the reality is my main job as a father is to make sure to train up my sons to be an adult.
I get to love and cherish them of course but that is something for MY benefit (and probably theirs as well). However, it is my DUTY to make sure that I raise children who are strong and capable. Why? Because I won't be able to look out for them forever, this world will not go easy on them, and if they are not ready they will be poorly equipped and fail in life.
As a simple example. My mother-in-law helped my son wipe his bum when he was being potty trained. My son got so used to it that he went to school without knowing how to do it himself. He had to ask his teacher to wipe for him into Grade 1! When I found out I was horrified (and not very happy with my mother-in-law but that's a story for a different article).
In that regard I will always do my very best to make sure that my children are prepared for what life will throw them. Usually it means I'd much rather teach them, then stand beside them while I let THEM handle what comes their way. But.....
Mentor and Guide
Sometimes its hard the first time around. Want to teach my sons to cook? I can't just say here's the ingredients and go for it. Want to teach my sons about finances? I can't just give them money and say "invest wisely". I want to teach my sons first so they are thinking ahead. Then find times when I can walk alongside them so they "learn the ropes". Then let them do it on their own. That's the tough one. They might fail. They might get hurt. But if I know they will survive its the toughest times that teach the best lessons.
I always tell my children that I will always love them and cherish them. If they can't stand on their own or are simply overwhelmed I'll do my best to stand beside them and help them back on their journey. But the emphasis is on THEIR journey.
I'm proud of how far my sons have come and how capable they are. My younger son recently had a tire blow out and he was capable to jack up the car, change the tire, head back to town, get to the shop and get things taken care of. My older son is saving, investing, filing his own taxes and even doing awful adulting chores like filling out passport applications and RMA forms for defective items along with insurance claims. Without help.
It is kind of funny. Both sons still come to me with questions and problems. I am always happy to sit down and listen and then help them find their own answer. It is tempting just to take the reigns and do it for them, but I let them learn so they can truly grow.
But every child is different
That's not the best plan for everyone though. Some children develop more slowly and pushing too hard too fast can be a bad thing. Some children are just less capable and may get into trouble if an adult doesn't step in to back them up. There is also an age to start and sometimes I pushed my kids too early. My younger son just recently got talking to me about "Why did you push me to start learning about money when I was in Grade 2?"....my thought was if your old enough to want to buy things your old enough to know about money....In hindsight maybe a little older would have been wise.
In the end though, I'll still say focus on the end goal. The end goal of kids is for them to carry on the next generation as capable adults. Important to remember that when you are tempted to everything for them. Yes, its hard when you love and cherish them but....sometimes you have to push the bird out of the nest so they can learn to fly.
As always I love feedback and criticism :)
But that's my take on this HiveLearner prompt about "Would I make my life easier for my kids"