As I stare at the screen contemplating what to write I am reminded of the number of times I have been in this situation. I find myself wondering if anything I write will be read by someone that matters. You. Yes you. I am left here wondering again if the words I am speaking tells me we are in a roller coaster ride of unemotional and emotional experiences.
I have been hungry, literally hungry, Fridays are one of the days where I practice intermittent fasting. My stomach is so used to it now, when it grumbles my mind just tells it to relax and enjoy itself for that light feeling. Like floating through space my stomach feels empty. At my younger years I was always told being hungry was a bad thing and having an empty stomach was a big no no. There was even a time where my parents told me someone solid was someone close to obesity.
This was not my plan but of course I was held accountable each and every time I did not eat the "recommended level" of food. Consumed and stomach being filled to the brim, belt buckles unbuckled, this was the only way I was told to survive life. Hunger was a bad thing. Being lean and fit was not the norm. 'Society' had given me the picture I needed. If my face looked small I was considered unhealthy. I felt like an outsider because I just didn't like that filled out feeling.
It did not mean I did not enjoy eating. Far from it. I love food. In fact I cook lots and have more than a dozen recipes I have constantly worked to improve on and adding more as I grow older. There is no such thing as never having enough in your repertoire. The choice to be able to not only see what is available and have a recipe is a bit deal for me. It is because my mother and sisters are cooks. Either full time or have side hustles they use to earn a little on the side by doing catering. This was not my motivation. I don't cook because I see it as a financial means. Far from it. It is to satisfy my cravings.
I watch lots of cooking shows. Not the regular ones you find these days where it has become a reality TV, where cooking and technique is out the window and it is the drama and the excitement created from creative editing. I do not have time for that. Cooking is an artform if you let it take you over. It can be a meditative practice. Where time no longer exists outside of the cutting board, stove and pots or pans in from of me. The methodical process you go through to allow for all the ingredients to blend or separate. Depending on the dish you are creating.
A content creator for the literal consumer. Me. Some times it is shared with other people. Sometimes it is just savoured by me. Alone but never lonely. Food is the companion. To take me to where ever I see in the journey I took to create them. The life giving is the life creating when ingredients are treated with that care you have for something you deem as important.
So why do I then starve myself and empty out my system. Well it is fairly simple. When I go empty my body has the time to not have to work on burning anything it consumes but looks inwards to see if there are anything inside me that is superfluous and therefore not healthy for me. Autophagy. This is the main reason. The day I stumbled onto this little secret I have made it my mission to see if I can get this goodness to work for me without having my body to consciously having to work.
My first meal today was of simple fair of course because I was not motivated to do anything. Canned tuna, steam broccoli, red beans, tomato, celery and garlic. No effort to put together and less time, but it did not mean I did not take my time to go through the ingredients. To select them and process them. A hint of pepper and it was done. Now my stomach is singing to me.
I hope I didn't eat too much though.
Well till next time hivers!
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