Edited using Polish
Losing a friend doesn’t come with warnings. Yet it sits in your chest like other major losses in your life would. Taking time to notice the absence of connection can be odd and even somewhat lonely if you grow up expecting everyone to be close by at all times regardless of what happens between the two of you.
I thought I was dramatic about every breakup. Breakups usually meant someone was angry and yelling at the other person. Not this one. This one happened slowly and caught me off guard like how my cat would steal my fish and by the time I catch him, he's already half way through the fish.
I typed out a message several times and deleted it many times because, at some point, I thought I would send it to her. I told myself I would send it later. Clearly, I never did. Still, to this day, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and it is an issue for me that I haven’t dealt with.
There were multiple occasions when I wrote things down, not because I am disciplined enough to do so, but because I repeatedly think about conversations between her and I while I wash dishes. Writing down what is in your head can help you get rid of it to an extent.
On some days, writing it down only creates more of a problem for me and causes me to feel tired.
There used to be many times when I would hear or see her name and instantly feel very much pissed off. The night I didn’t want to see her name on my feed, I unfollowed her. I felt guilty about it for days and I truly don't know if that was helpful or not. Perhaps I just needed to have breathing room away from everything that had been going on.
I do recall that with those events, I began to pay more attention to developing other friendships with others. I would invite them over. I said yes to going out with them more frequently than I ever did before. At one point, I forgot a friend’s birthday entirely, and I now feel like an idiot for doing that. This happens to everyone so I won't be too hard on myself.
Over time, I learned more about who I am as a person. There were times that I didn’t pay much attention to myself and so I began to notice myself in a different light. How my mind is clearer now on days when I am not at work and I have been able to learn certain things in my life after I experienced them in real life.
The pain is only useful when your learn what mistakes you did to lose that friend. Some breakups may never be fixed, you'll have to accept it, and get over it and don't allow it to take more from you, you've lost a friend already, don't lose your shit too.
