It is day two of HiveBloPoMo.
Reconciliation Day (USA)
Today's suggested topic is reconciliation, since it is Reconciliation day in the United States (April 2). That reminds me of Truth and Reconciliation Day in Canada, but the latter is about realizing the atrocities that were committed against the indigenous people and doing something about it. That is on September 30th, though. https://www.canada.ca/en/canadian-heritage/campaigns/national-day-truth-reconciliation.html
This American Reconciliation Day is about patching relationships and making amends. https://holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/April/reconciliationday.htm. I find this challenging because I try to live my life in a way that my relationships do not need patching or amends.
Difficult Relationships
However, there are some relationships that are simply difficult. I wish I meant some obscure, far flung relationships, but I mean my relationship with my daughter, who is in her early 30's, and with my father, who is in his 80's.
Of the two, although my father is well-known to be both eccentric and difficult, I have a far easier time getting along with him. It is still hard. Both my younger sister and I excel at customer service, and we attribute this to having learned at an early age to deal with two particularly demanding "customers," Mom and Dad.
My father is a kind and generous person in many ways. He is honest. He has integrity. I appreciate his character. It is my appreciation of his positive points that has kept me hanging in there over the years.
He says many exceptionally nasty and cutting things. I feel uncomfortable often when I am around him. The reason I put up with it is that, after many years of trying to break him of some of his worst habits, I came to the conclusion that he was hurting me accidentally.
Does it matter? If every time you spent time with someone, they "accidentally" stabbed you, would it matter whether it was deliberate, after a while? It would be damaging either way.
I do my best to protect myself by limiting contact with Dad, but since he is elderly and I am his only relative in town, I cannot limit it much. I used to tell him when he was bothering or hurting me, but now, I don't. If telling him for a quarter century didn't help, I might as well save my breath.
How to Reconcile?
So, how do you reconcile when you love someone difficult? In the case of my father, in a way, no reconciliation is necessary because I don't think he is aware of a rift. It is hard.
Today, I am going to Dad's place with my fiancé. We are getting take-away pizza. I think it will be pleasant enough, but I never know. Sometimes, out of the blue, Dad will make a snide remark about something I did wrong when I was 16. Over 30 years ago. Hell, I can barely recall what I ate for breakfast.
Reconciliation with my adult daughter, however, seems even more fraught with challenges. She is mentally ill. I try to bear that in mind, but I know other people who are mentally ill and not so hateful to their mothers.
On a psychological level, I understand. Many people have the need in life to have a scapegoat, and who better than one's mother?
However, I feel frustrated. I cannot even repeat most of what she has said to me. I cannot repeat most of how she has acted towards me. I cannot because if I read it, I would either think she had a crazy, bad mother (i.e. me) or I would think she was a complete lunatic, a term I do not like. There is no way that I can look at her actions as a fair, measured, sane response to the situation.
Here's a mild example: she lives in Victoria, Canada. She is on disability because she is mentally ill. Currently, she shares a place with someone, but the owner is evicting them, because the owner wants his parents to live there. The problem is that rents have gone up (thank you, Airbnb) in a huge way, so she can no longer afford to live there.
To me, it is logical to think of a solution. The possibilities are:
Since she is hell bent on staying, rent a 1 bedroom to share between 2 people. It sucks, but I cannot think of another solution to stay for that price.
Move to another city. She says no (and not politely).
Find a job for a few hours a week. Even just a few hours at minimum wage could allow her to make it.
It is hard for her to work, but it is not impossible. I feel I haven't taught her well enough somehow. To me, life always comes down to priorities.
What I mean is that, often, we have to choose from among bad options. I think that is one hallmark of being an adult -- the ability to, after you have had your cry, take a hard look at the situation and say, "okay, I choose that crappy option." Ideally, we think of a great solution, but more often, we choose the best bad solution.
I understand why, for example, my daughter would not want to move to my province. It is very cold. The snow just melted, and I am certain we have not seen the last of it for the season. I wish I was joking. It has even (rarely) snowed on my birthday in late May!
However, if she wants to live in the best city, she might have to compromise and work a few hours a week, which I know is very challenging for her. Or she might have to live in a one bedroom with two people, which is uncomfortable. Or she might have to make some form of compromise.
She is a really good writer. I told her about Hive, but she just said no. Well, along with some swearing.
Reconciliation seems impossible in these two cases.
It's frustrating. This is an article about reconciliation, but I am unable to have reconciliation with two of the people I love the most.
However, with my Dad, my current relationship and today's pizza visit is a form of reconciliation because I will always make an effort to be kind to him and get along with him. I genuinely believe that his cutting remarks come not from cruelty, but because he is (undiagnosed) likely on the autistic spectrum.
I do, however, limit the amount that I call him. When he was in hospital and just released, I visited and called much more, but it was very hard emotionally.
My daughter is more challenging. She ropes me in. I feel guilty when we don't speak. I become convinced I am/was a bad mother. She frequently asks me for money, which I don't have.
Our most recent "fight" was because she wanted a $400 piece of exercise equipment, which I think might kill her (https://giboard.com/home/). I realize that I could be wrong, but this looks unsafe and overpriced.
She asked me about it, and, not wanting a fight, I ignored her text. A week later, she asked again, and I said it looked unsafe and overpriced. Maybe she would prefer a bungee personal trampoline, I suggested. I recently got one that can hold my weight, and it is a surprisingly challenging workout, even for my fiancé. Also, bouncing, like on a trampoline, is low impact, fun, and it is known to flush your lymph nodes.
Well, as anticipated, my text made her furious. She spent about 200+ words explaining why I am a bad person. I start to believe her crap every time.
I read her words out loud to my fiancé, as a reality check for myself. "Does this sound like me?" I start to doubt myself and wonder whether I was secretly a horrible mother and nobody knew...
When You Start to Doubt Yourself Fundamentally
However, then I realize that this way of thinking -- this complete doubting of my own mind -- that is how abusers have made me feel in the past. It is because an abusive person takes no responsibility for his or her own behaviour. I read that whenever you seriously doubt yourself on a fundamental level as a result of a relationship, chances are good that it is abusive.
It's a little irrelevant, though, because my daughter has once again blocked me. She does this. She blocks me until she needs something. This time her parting shot was that she doesn't want my "passive aggressive gifts." That was a good parting shot because I started to truly wonder if the gifts I send her are indeed passive aggressive.
I can see why a person who has no compassion might think so, but I didn't think my daughter had a complete lack of it. Viewed one way, when I send my daughter a care package from Amazon when we are not speaking, I can see how it might be viewed as a cleverly sinister way to twist her arm into talking to me.
However, that is predicated on an incorrect assumption, which is that I want her to speak to me. I want her to feel well, be healthy, be happy, and be prosperous. I wish I enjoyed speaking to her, but she is very nasty in the way she speaks to me and treats me.
So, why do I send her gifts? Well, assuming I don't get too senile and forget, I won't do it anymore!
Why did I do it before? I wanted to cheer her up. Even though her behaviour is crappy, I know she is in severe emotional pain. I know what that is like. I suppose I also feel guilty because I am the asshole who gave her half the genes that cause her all this pain. That's stupid, and if you are a mother who has a child who has a genetic illness, you know exactly what I mean. I buy some little gifts to cheer her when I can afford it like her favourite chocolate, funny books (since she hates self help books), and just things that are not expensive, but that I think might make her smile and remember that she is loved. It pains me that she views this as passive aggression.
Conclusion
Reconciliation is a two way street. You cannot reconcile with someone who is not willing or able to reconcile with you.
However, forgiveness can be a one way street, and, when we cannot reconcile, it seems the only thing left. It is important -- essential -- to realize that forgiveness is not condoning the action. Also, it is for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving.
Someone I knew, who was abused by his father as a child, told me he would never forgive his father. He has every right to never forgive this odious man. However, holding the anger and hatred in his heart doesn't bother his father at all. He hurts himself.
I did not say this to him. I mean, I said that he has every right not to forgive his father. I mentioned that forgiveness might feel good and that it was about him, not his father. However, he said there was no way, and we have to respect it when people feel this way, I think.
Nonetheless, when we are able to forgive, it allows us to release our own negative feelings. If the person would not care or is not around, writing a letter of forgiveness and deleting or burning it can be therapeutic.
I cannot really reconcile with my father or my daughter. I have already forgiven my father for not understanding the ways in which he hurts me. It is harder to forgive my daughter because I feel like she should understand, and also... Well, I always had the sense that my father, while misguided often, was always loving and well meaning. I don't necessarily feel that with my daughter.
Part of me realizes that she feels the need for a dog to kick and I am the dog, but I have trouble understanding it. I have depression, which is mental illness, but I don't think most of the time I am so mean.
I feel strongly that my father loves and cares about me even if he frequently doesn't understand me. With my daughter, I am constantly puzzled by how little she seems to care for me. I am afraid to speak of it because it seems not just abnormal, but almost unnatural.
How is reconciliation possible with her? I can keep the peace when I never say anything, but then, what's the point?
Much love,
Harlow
(P.S. Help the Ukraine with Hivebuzz's NFTs for peace if you can. zirochka has published two articles showing how these funds are already being used to help people in need..
Also, more ways to help Ukraine are suggested here: @ok-top/wartime-diary-kyiv-290322)
"Too many people simply give up too easily. You have to keep the desire to forge ahead, and you have to be able to take the bruises of unsuccess. Success is just one long street fight.″
Milton Berle, Comedian
Photo Credit Ukrainian Flag - Peace in Ukraine with a free Ukraine soon I hope