You know that itch?
Yes the "it is rambling time" itch, now maybe I don't have it bad enough but gosh-darned I will give it a go. Mainly because I really can't think of anything and yet I am thinking of everything.
Is it good enough? Never.
Will it be? Never.
Mother stop answering my rhetorical questions.
Usually, I try to think of what funny things I say at work, and although in a poll of 1 the wisdom of the crowd said I am probably not funny and more irritating. I determined the demographic of the poll just did not understand the humour of the day.
Just because I can't think of the funny things or insightful ones I ramble about at work does not mean there isn't anything.
Photo by Ali Pazani on Unsplash
I started watching Severance from Apple and in that show, they separate a person's work life and home life by separating the memories completely between the two.
So if you are at work you don't know if you have a family or anything, and at home, you have no clue who your coworkers are. In the first episode the guy had feminine water running down his face and weakling puss coming from his nose. He got to work found the tissue "nut up rag" and did not know why it was in his pocket then went on his merry way.
English is my second language so I really don't know the snowflake term some might use to describe the previous paragraphs.
Which is to say if you do know...
I have also never seen snow, except on tv, before they made a movie about it.
Even though I am pretty ancient and can't wait for the casket I ordered there are still things I ponder in life.
Like why my hair does not grow like really it just does not. I have not cut it in years and it is the exact same length. I also wonder how I can make money but obviously without doing much, ideally I just want to be me and be rich. It is hard though because there are no billionaire woman posting classified looking for "a guy that can just be himself" and if there is they usually tack on "but needs to..."
After the grocery list of oversized appendages and mindreading taboo, you realise sugar is just not good for you.
So the next best thing is to utilize my wisdom of the ages given to me by the possibly nude girl who resided in the white noise on that channel I never could get completely locked down.
I will attempt to write guides on my theories.
Lure them in with questions
How is that possible?
How does hair know when to stop growing?
Offer a controversial solution
I'm convinced that in order for it to grow, I must become a hobo.
Have you ever seen their hair? It's like yak hair.
Grand announcement - flourish
Jump into the thick of it
Step 1. Do not brush it.
This is obvious because brushing causes too much friction. The hair can only take so much stress. When you approach it with a brush, it simply commits suicide, one by one.
Best to leave it. Hobos know this.
Step 2. Do not wash it.
Have you ever seen a baby getting a bath? or a cat or dog? They understand the dangers of bathing. Hobos learn these things by watching nature. We must be like the hobos. Let no droplets of water touch thine hair and see it flourish.
Step 3. Dirt is your friend.
It's like a protective shield around every strand. Why rob it of its glorious armour? Pack that shit in the dirt, encase and protect.
Step 4. Mirrors are from the devil.
Have you ever seen a hobo with a mirror? I'm convinced that when I look in the mirror, I give off some signal to my hair that it's done a good enough job. Desist from this trickery.
Will it to grow by simply denying it from the positive reinforcement that the mirror offers. Let it wonder. Let it strive to please you. then you will see it thrive to Rapunzel-like lengths that only the Grizzliest of Adams hobo men and women can achieve.
I could make everyone buy this booklet onto Amazon for $99.99. But for my Hive buddies, nay Pals, it's free.
Take, use and shake out those fabulous locks.
You should probably enter ComedyOpenMic to win 40HBD
