This is the first chapter of a novel. I started it early in the year but then both the notebook and the computer I began it on ended up in storage.
I'm ready to attack it again.
But before I start, I'd love some feedback on the opening two thousand words.
- Is the environment sufficient to let you pick up on where they are?
- Are the characters distinct enough?
- Does the scene set up enough to make you interested in reading more?
It's currently 'planned' as a modern noir thriller, though whether that will stick remains to be seen.
I've taken the liberty of Topic tagging @theinkwell and @scholarandscribe - if this is a Hive faux pas please forgive me, I'll not do it for chapter two.
Enjoy...
Late afternoon sun made the plum blossom on the plane’s tale shimmer and appear almost translucent. It was one of the big jets, full of folks coming from Taiwan for business meetings, college, work, or to chase the original Hollywood dream. The undercarriage slid open and the plane turned from a creature of strange beauty which belonged in the sky and was gracing onlookers with a glimpse of its elegance, to a machine which had no right to be airborne.
A screech of brakes in the street below stole Allison away from her musing. Dogs barked as she leaned forward to peer over the balcony. Marco from apartment two was hauling on the leash of Bert, his foul tempered Jackadoodle. Across the street someone she didn’t recognize held the leash and collar of something that appeared to be a cross between a Dalmation and Great Dane. The huge dog stared at Bert with an air of confused aloofness.
Marco collected Bert and took to remonstrating with the driver of the Prius who had got out of her car to shout. Allison smiled. The woman sounded East Coast, but if she expected to have any natural advantage to being angry in the street she met her match in Marco who, hampered in his normal theatrical gesticulations, more than made up for things with his invective.
The stranger with the big dog walked off, choosing to have no part in things. Allison wondered if they were visitors. She’d have remembered a dog like that. Her preference would be a dog somewhere between that one and Marco’s Bert. Something which was large enough to feel like a dog and not a mobile handbag, but small enough to not need a stable to house it. If only Earl wasn’t so set on them not having a pet. His reasons would be sound, if they did actually ever go anywhere for the weekend, or take off on impromptu visits to family, friends, or all those places they’d promised to visit together.
The balcony door creaked open and the sound of men talking over each other and the baseball game they were ostensibly watching got louder. She turned to see Chuck coming out. He nodded, his afro bouncing with the movement, an acknowledgment of the nineteen-seventies revival that was sweeping the city.
‘Excitement in the street?’ Chuck asked.
‘Dogs and cars trying to mix in the same place, and a neighbor and driver swearing at each other.’
‘AND YOUR MOTHER TOO!’
Marco reached an octave Allison hadn’t known his voice could do. She and Chuck looked over the balcony in time to see the car pulling away, and Marco whispering and cooing to Bert who wagged his tale and licked his master’s ear.
Chuck slid into the other chair on the small balcony, ducking to avoid banging the half-full birdfeeder.
‘You not interested in the game?’ Allison asked. ‘I thought the Giants were your team.’
‘They lost. It’s the Dodgers and the Diamondbacks on now. I don’t mind a side bet on a game I’m interested in, but Benjamins are floating about like so much confetti on two teams that wont even make the play-offs.’ He tapped the arm of the chair with a middle finger, glanced over his shoulder, then turned and leaned toward’s Allison. ‘How much do you know about these folks Earl’s working with?’
Allison couldn’t help but look back into the lounge.
They’d borrowed extra chairs for the party, even so some folks were standing. In Earl’s La-Z-Boy, a seat normally guarded jealously, sat Harry. He was in his late forties or early fifties with a thick torso which suggested he’d once been bigger, more muscular, but even now was formidable. Other chairs were filled in an obvious pecking order with seniority allowing for choice of comfort, proximity to the boss, or a sight line to the new sixty-five inch screen which dominated the room and gave the feel of a compact movie theater. There was a uniform of white or pale blue cotton shirts with button down collars, and chinos.
For those standing the dress code was a little different, they had shiny suits and silk ties and it was difficult to tell if they were low level financiers, or just playing the part.
Despite being in chinos and a shirt, Earl also stood. His pristine, new, Polo gear just didn’t quite fit in with the casual worn ambiance of the rest, and it made him look like hired help as he refreshed drinks, passed snacks around, and laughed at whatever jokes were being shared.
Harry caught her eye and raised his bottle of beer in salute. Allison smiled and nodded, making an attempt to have the smile pretend to reach her eyes.
Bert barked again and she turned to look over the balcony again, leaning on the rail and watching Marco reaching down to scoop the dog up again, scolding it for being a naughty boy, and threatening to not give him his treats when they got in.
‘I know there names. Most of them. I’ve met some of their wives at expensive restaurants or clubs. But I don’t know them. They always make me feel under scrutiny, like I’m being watched because they’ll catch me out on something I’m not aware I shouldn’t be doing. Or maybe that’s just good old mid-west protestant guilt bleeding out of me.’
‘So, pretty much like the last start-up he was with.’
Allison laughed, an unforced release which she clamped off, partly because it wasn’t actually funny, and partly because carefree laughter never felt the right thing to do around these people, even with an old friend like Chuck. The CEO of BYOSfere had been security paranoid, and suspected of illegitimately tracking all employees. When they disappeared it was found to be true.
‘Do you think these guys are doing the same thing?’ Chuck asked. ‘Is he getting ripped off again?’
Allison was tempted to shrug and feign indifference but that wasn’t the reality. It was three years since Earl arrived at work to find the F.B.I. carting out files and hard-drives. He’d had taken a derisory salary in preference of deferred stock options, and struggled to come to terms with discovering the company he poured two years of work into had no viable product and had used him to develop a marketing and sales infrastructure which were utilized as a facade for a a coldly cynical money grabbing operation.
‘How’s he doing?’
Allison turned to Chuck, thinking about how Earl had changed in the years since she’d known him, in the five years since he started that last job, in the months since starting this one. People change with time. Chuck of five or ten years ago would never have the confidence to wear his hair like he did now. Would Earl have acted so obsequiously?
‘He’s less angry. Finally has something to focus on.’
‘Less angry with you?’
There was concern in the voice and a level of understanding Allison hadn’t been aware Chuck had. She looked away, watching another plane descend towards LAX.
The door opened again. ‘Harry’s wondering if you guys are okay. If you want to come back in and enjoy the fun.’
Chuck said, ‘I though I’d come have a chat with Allison. Seems ages since I’ve seen you both. And there was some excitement with cars and dogs on the street below. Are the Pirates still up?’
Earl stepped forward and looked into the empty street. ‘Yeh, but it’s down to one. You coming back inside?’
‘Does Harry want us inside?’ Allison asked. ‘It’s not really my kind of party. I could have gone for a hike up round the observatory like I suggested.’
‘I said we’ll do the hike on Sunday. Sit out here of you want, come on Chuck.’
‘It’s okay, Earl. I’ll stay out here a spell. It’s good to catch up with Allison. Find out from her how my good buddy is doing.’
‘Yeh, you know you can’t trust a word she says. She doesn’t remember we’re going hiking in two days.’ Earl turned to Allison. ‘You want me to bring you a soda water?’
She shook her head.
‘Hey, easy man,’ Chuck said. ‘I get you’re nervous with your new boss and colleagues here-’
‘My boss? Is that what she’s told you? Harry isn’t my boss. We’re colleagues, associates. He’s brought his employees to my party. ‘Come meet my best friend,’ I told him. ‘He loves watching a ball game,’ I said. But no, you decide to come sit out here with her, and ignore them and what the hell are you dressed like anyway? Is there a blaxploitation season on at (LA cinema)? C’mon back in and make like we’re the friends I thought we were.’
Chuck stood, weaving to avoid the bird feeder again. ‘You’re talking like someone with too much stress going on inside them, Earl. And Allison has always got your back, every single time.’ He shook his head, and placed a hand on Earl’s shoulder. ‘C’mon, let’s go back in and I’ll drop a Benjamin on the next home run.’
Earl jerked his shoulder so Chuck’s hand slid off. ‘Stressed? The only thing stressing me is you two out here giggling and whispering like a pair of lovebirds.’ He waved a hand towards Allison, ‘Her I expect it from, but you? You? You’re meant to be my best friend. When did that stop? You’ve always been after Allison, I guess you got tired of waiting.’
A police siren echoed along the street as a cruiser went past the end with lights flashing.
Chuck’s voice lowered, coming from deep in his chest, ‘That’s out of line, Earl. Don’t go getting-‘ He swayed backwards as Earl threw a punch. Then he grabbed Earl round the chest, preventing him from overbalancing towards the railing.
‘Get your hands off me!’ Earl shouted.
‘Earl, he was making sure you weren’t going to fall.’
‘Shut your mouth,’ Earl said. ‘I’ll deal with you later.’ He writhed in Chuck’s embrace. ‘And get your damned hands off me.’
‘Is everything okay out here?’ One of the more muscular guests shirt and chino was at the door, two suit wearers hovered behind him.
‘It’s okay, Danny,’ Earl said. ‘My friend just forgot himself a little.’ He straightened up and twisted away from Chuck, banging his head on the bird feeder.
‘So long as everyone’s okay. Look Harry says he’s got to to head off, he’s meeting Tina at (restaurant), and the rest of us - well it’s Saturday afternoon, y’know.’
‘You’re not going?’ Earls voice slid up half an octave, his vocal chords constricted.
‘Not everyone,’ Danny said. Some of the guys are hanging on for the Padres game, and didn’t you say something about pizza. He glanced at Chuck. ‘Just wanted to make sure everything’s good before we head out.’
In the room Harry was already stood, waiting while someone brought him his coat, which had been placed in the bedroom. Earl squeezed past Danny and the others back into the room.
‘Harry, I thought you were here for the afternoon.’
Harry raised his palms, ‘Earl. It’s been great, but you know Tina, when she wants to meet for dinner. Hey, this has been great, thanks for the invite. He looked round the room. ‘Next time we should do this at Danny’s - his rec room is like being in a box at the (baseball) stadium. Danny, how big is that screen in your rec room?’
‘Eighty-five inch.’
‘Right. It’s a monster, seriously Earl, come over to Danny’s next time and see it. And we’re still on for Monday at eleven to get things signed, right? I’ve got contracts ready to go on the production side, but we need the—‘
‘Yes,’ Earl broke in. ‘I’ll be there, we’ll be there.’
Harry turned, and most of the more casually dressed men with him moved to get there jackets or head to the front door. Danny clapped Earl’s shoulder as he came past.
‘Thanks, Earl. And Harry’s right. Come watch a game at mine.’ He leaned in, ‘No need to bring Chuck, he seems a bit uptight whatever his hair suggests.’
Following across the room Earl just failed to catch up with the flow of men leaving the apartment. By the time he got to the front door Harry was already in the elevator. He had his back to the door and was sharing a laugh with someone else.
As the elevator door slid shut Earl clenched his fist, his fingers turning pale under the pressure. Behind him someone cheered, and there were groans. A batter out, or a home run completed.