Smallsteps has a friend from school playing at our place for a few hours today. Before she arrived, Smallsteps mentioned that the parents of the child give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants, ad believes it affects her behavior, likening to the character from the book Charlie and the chocolate factory, Veruca Salt.
Spoiled.
Other than the obvious behavior we might observe, we don't really put much thought into the term "spoiled" perhaps. However, if we think about it in terms of spiled food, it means that it can no longer be eaten, it is now wasted. Apply the same to a child in terms of their future, what does that mean?
While it is very much possible to change our behaviors and outcomes despite the conditioning from childhood, it doesn't mean that it is easy to do. Our childhood patterns and belief systems are difficult to shake, so they shape us for better and for worse.
For example, this girl is 8 years old while a little taller than Smallsteps, likely weighs 50% more than her. Again, this will change over time too and could improve, but on the current trajectory and with the general outcomes of others, the chance it will get worse is far higher than the chance it will get better.
Yet, it isn't this little girl's fault that she keeps asking for what she wants, and her parents keep giving it to her. It is a natural part of growing up as it tests boundaries, but if the parents are it's imposing boundaries and are instead leaving it up to the child to decide, some lessons aren't learned. While the physical outcomes might be terrible, the mental and emotional outcomes are just as and perhaps more important to factor, as they are the parts that interpret our experience.
It isn't just how we look and feel physically, but those things impact on how we interact with others and how we feel about others too. I know a lot of overweight people, and those who say they are "happy with themselves the way they are" tend to be the ones that exhibit behaviors that demonstrate the polar opposite. They seem to be more bitter on life, and also not treat people all that kindly. It could be because they feel judged, so they spend more energy judging others from other habit or retaliation. It doesn't matter if it is true or not.
And this is actually quite an interesting area these days, because while it is true that people are judged on their looks (it is human nature), is it true that society treats overweight people differently? Maybe, ,but the interesting thing for me is the fact that there are *more overweight people than healthy and underweight people, so who is driving society and where does the majority of judgement come from? At least in my experience, I hear a lot more negative comments directed at smaller people, than I hear directed at bigger.
"You are so small, you should eat more."
This is something my wife hears a lot from people bigger than her. But imagine if she said, "You are so big, you should eat less." in reply. Would it be seen as appropriate behavior? Would it be socially acceptable? Unlikely. However, there is this asymmetry in social conventions where it is okay to attack people who are seen as being privileged. Seen. So, they are making a judgement on physical appearance, with no concern as to the state of that person's mental and emotional state. Someone looks physically okay, therefore the assumption is that everything in their life is okay.
Okay.
While this article touches on weight like I often do, it is because it is something that we pretty much all have some kind of experience and relationship with and often, it is something that triggers us in some way. We struggle with our weight, we care about people who struggle with theirs, and we have all kinds of hang-ups upon it. However, this particular article is about the mental and emotional conditioning that we carry through from childhood and how it can affect us for years to come, making impacts on everything in our lives that matter to us, and how we feel about our current state, desired states, and how and why to get there, or not.
If we ignore our conditioning or believe that our conditioning is "who we are", then there is very little control we can have over our own lives, because we become a victim of our circumstance. And even if we are victims of something like poor parenting, does that mean we have to live the life we have had designed for us as a child, or is it worth taking the time and effort to explore and try to design our own lives. And even if we were victims, does that give us the right to victimize others?
I don't think so.
In a study of 43 death row inmates, 36 had been physically or sexually abused, 37 had been neglected, and 31 had witnessed domestic violence growing up.
A lot of the various types of criminals have had some level of abuse in their childhood, but that doesn't mean they aren't responsible for their behaviors as an adult. Over the last few decades there has been a push to increase the safety of children in the home, but in an increasingly complex world, it is unlikely to be enough. However, just looking at the average household with parents that aren't intentionally abusive, that same complexity means that unintended abuse happens. It is unlikely anyone can catch them all, but there are some pretty obvious things parents can do to limit them, or mitigate the risks.
In a place like Finland, it isn't hard to feed a kid healthy food, but it is easier to feed them what they want instead. The barrier to getting them to eat well might be only slightly higher than letting them eat poorly, but it is still easier to feed them too much junk. Similarly, it is easier to have kids play video games rather than read a book. It is easier to have them sit in front of the television, than get outside with them in the park.
Human nature will nearly always choose the easier option, and with so many things where the easier option is the worse option, in an environment of so many options, we end up doing a lot of what is not good, because we don't have the physical, mental and emotional bandwidth to choose better, even when we know we should.
Willpower is not enough, because the amount of will we have has not evolved to keep pace with the amount of willpower we need to face todays limitless options. A caveman didn't need much willpower to live their life, because they were just fighting for survival, eating and taking what they could when available. They didn't have to stop themselves from behaving in ways that were against their needs, because there were no options available. Everything was a primary need for survival, but now with survival taken care of, we live in a world of secondary desires.
It is impossible to tell how one particular child we grow up in the future and how they will feel about their lives. But I do think that it is possible to look at the general trends and outcomes at a larger scale, and predict what the future might look like. From where I am standing, we aren't building a society that is going to improve our general wellbeing, but rather one that is going to reduce it, causing more problems across all areas of our physical, mental and emotional health.
All children should be spoiled sometimes. But when they are spoiled consistently, it is no longer a special act, but a systematic one, and I think that can leave a child spoiled for the rest of their life - except they aren't getting much of what they want at that point.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]