I went to a psychologist today. This isn't news in and of itself, as I have been seeing her on and off for about a year and a half, but it has been about eight months since I booked a session. It is nice to have someone just listen and reflect with, even if they are paid for the exercise. What we discussed today was whether my lack of motivation is something in my thoughts, or whether it is a physical attribute - even though it might be impossible to know. What I do know though, is that I hold very, very little motivation.
motivation
/ˌməʊtɪˈveɪʃn/
noun
A reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way.
And, the key in that definition is of course the word "reason" which means it is god to have an understanding of that also.
reason
/ˈriːzn/
noun
1. A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.
2. the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgements logically.
Now we have the vocabulary lesson out of the way, I have explained before that my mind doesn't spontaneously create thought and push it into my awareness. Instead, the thoughts are largely manual, meaning that I have to create my thoughts. This means that they are consciously created based on the information I have consciously available, and while this might not sound like a huge issue, it is. Because, what most of us fail to appreciate is just how much information goes into our thoughts and how much of it is automated and not actively performed by our conscious self.
To do it manually is exhausting.
However, there are other side-effects of this, because what it means is that I don't have a very good "intuition" for much these days. Because, well, perhaps a little more of a vocabulary lesson makes it easier to explain.
intuition
/ˌɪntjʊˈɪʃn/
noun
The ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning.
I only have conscious reasoning to evaluate my world, which means my decision making process is devoid of a lot of the information that would be otherwise available to feed it. If my awake mind isn't able to pull that information into view at the right time, analyze it at an appropriate speed, apply it to the context adequately, and then create a next steps action from it, it doesn't get used as a filter for my decision.
Intuition is not some magical force that gives us unnatural insight, it is just pattern recognition based on our experiences and predispositions. If something feels right or wrong, it is a preference judgement, not an absolute truth. And if our intuition is poorly calibrated, what we feel might be based on inadequate judgements and inexperience, even though the feeling gives a strong feedback. For instance, a lot of men have an intuition about how to talk to women at a bar.
The intuitions applied, lead to generally poor results.
But, going back to the problem at hand, what if my lack of motivation is a physical aspect of the stroke, not a psychological one? Does this mean that I am destined to go through life feeling unmotivated, but still having to perform actions, like it or not, for everything? While I think it is normal for everyone to struggle through tasks that aren't motivating, I don't know anyone who gets no feelings of motivation, other than those who are extremely depressed.
But I don't think I am depressed.
However, I test as if I am depressed, because the indicators they use as a judgement seem to align with my state of mind. Not my state of feeling, but just the way I am, my baseline. Depression isn't a baseline, it is a below the average feeling. But for me, it is more like the entire high and low range I would have felt earlier is still there, but it has moved downward, so the peaks are not much higher than the old average, but the valleys are much lower.
Is there hope?
Hope requires a positive view of the future. I guess I could build one, but I am not motivated to do so, nor would it motivate me to work toward it. If the lack of motivation is physically in my brain, where some receptor or signal is blocked or similar, it is what it is. This doesn't stop me from acting, but what it means is that there is also no reward for acting. I can do the right thing, and I can be glad that I did, but the feedback loop of satisfaction doesn't exist, at least in the same form it used to and I assume it does for most others.
Some people are surprised I am almost completely unmotivated to do anything at all, because what they see through their perspective is me doing a fair bit. This means that based on their own experiences and intuition, someone that does a fair bit, must want to do what they are doing, or have to do what they are doing, otherwise they wouldn't do it. For me, I guess it is the "have" to do because there is little "want" to do, but even that isn't because I want to get something out of it, it is just that I know I should meet obligations in order for my family to survive and have some opportunity. Even if I don't get any satisfaction out of it, at least I consciously know that I am doing something that they might benefit from.
But, working for the benefits of others alone without the feedback of satisfaction, is not a very high quality of life. Some will say that there is satisfaction in helping others, but that is not true under certain conditions, like if there is no motivation to help, and it is just a robotic exercise performed out of some sense of duty or programming. A computer can run the algorithm, but it doesn't care about the output.
This all said, at least I still find interest in the world, even if I am not motivated by it, or inspired to act upon it. It doesn't mean I don't act, it just means that if I am going to act on it, I have to build a good enough conscious-world picture to justify the movement. And motivation comes from the base of "move", but a lot of what motivates us lays outside of our awareness.
Less so in my case.
At least I am still moving though. Because when something stops moving - it is dead.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]