Smallsteps and I have had a good day so far, even though it started off with having the tube pulled out of her nose - which of course she was dreading. Yet, I also knew that this bit was the easy bit, and the same nurse from yesterday handled it so well, that Smallsteps didn't even feel it was out, until it was. And then after, we have spent the majority of the day in the city, having a nice breakfast at a café first, playing in the park and then, walking about the area talking.
For the last few days, I have been writing a bit about this, but it has been weighing on my mind for a long time, because whatever is causing the need for tests has been ongoing for awhile. My concern is two-fold, that they will find something and that they won't find something. There is obviously something going on, but it doesn't seem like it is easy to pinpoint, which means that it might be something more obscure, and obscure tends to mean worse.
It is better to know, than not know.
As uncomfortable as it can be to deal with these things, I have lived quite a lot of my own life with undiagnosed issues that had I known what they were, I could have better treated it. This doesn't always mean medical intervention either, as for some of the things, there would have been other factors, like diet or exercise changes that might have had an effect also. And now after the stroke, even with a diagnosis, there is an issue with the how to treat, because there pretty much is very little that can be done to improve the situation.
It takes away agency.
It creates a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty for the path forward and then there is a lot of trial and error and failure inherent, with very little if any progress, and often steps backward. It becomes a burden just to keep going and trying, and that is on top of all of the other burdens of daily life, like family, work and social conditions. When there is so much pressing down at the same time, it is hard to keep looking up to see if there is any light.
That sounds depressing perhaps, but at the same time, I am actually pretty proud of myself for continuing this way, even though from the outside looking in, people close to me just see me struggle. Struggle is a funny thing in this regard, because sometimes continuing to struggle is a win in and of itself, because the alternative would be not to do anything at all, to just give up.
I read a lot of stories of people who have seemingly good lives, are successful, have people who love them, giving up. So many articles I read from Australia where someone has "suddenly died" end with "helpline" numbers, even though there is no cause of death provided. I reckon a lot of people these days, especially because of the way we have engineered what is considered a "good life" through the media, feel like they are failing, because they aren't hitting those milestone marks, and they aren't as socially connected as they need to be for their own mental health.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I didn't write on Hive, because even though at times it is a struggle, I believe I am better off for it. The last couple of days I have been "lazy" with the comment replies, which pains me, but I just not in the right mindset to cover them well enough. But, I am feeling better now, so in the evening, after Smallsteps has gone to bed, I will dive in and catch up, because people who take their time to comment well on my posts, deserve some of my time too.
They might be struggling also.
I hope that in time, all of these health issues Smallsteps faces will sort themselves out, but perhaps more than that, I hope she finds ways to deal with whatever she faces. I hope she will have her own personal methods, but also build a social network of people who are able to support her in what she needs, whether that be a shoulder to cry on, a hand to help her up, or the right words to inspire her to keep going, no matter how she feels in the moment.
Moments always change.
As do we all.
Taraz
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