Whether its the abstract kind of existential dread that I’ve felt when I wasn’t sure what the whole purpose of my life was, discomfort with health problems or living in the street or situations where I wasn’t sure who I could trust, being betrayed by the people I considered closest to me, there is one idea I always keep very close to my chest and it helps in every situation.
You can’t change your situation with the snap of your fingers, there will always be things outside of your control, but more importantly, there will be things that take time, energy, focus and attention, things that can’t be forced.
When I start to lose hope I look for signs of progress and potential progress. It doesn’t matter if its slow or small, of course I want it to be fast and massive, but all that matter is the direction I am going it. Am I moving closer to my ideas or away from them. That’s it. That is all I need to worry about.
If the answer is yes, I keep doing what I am doing and try not to worry too much about it. I may make some adjustments to my attitude but I don't worry about a thing. If the answer is no, I change that at quickly and dramatically as I can, at all costs.
All that matters is that I am moving towards the life I envision for myself. It doesn’t matter if I reach it by 40 years old or 60 years old or never. That’s just details. They say it’s the joirney not the destination but those words are tricky to live by, unless you practice appreciation for all forms of progress.
When there is an inevitable setback and it feels like this month is not as good as the month before, I look for any all reason why that might not be the case. At times it feels like denial but in the end, I always discover that there was a lesson for me in the circumstance.
Like when everything seemed to be leading to me opening a shop with a friend and she signed the lease without me and asked another friend to work on the plan with someone else stealing all my ideas for the business. I was devastated and felt wronged. But what was done was done so I looked for a lesson and from it I learned what trust really is. Real trust isn’t given freely to the people who spend time with us and call themselves friends. Real trust is built by a mutual understanding of what motivates people and a person's ability to be consistent. If there is no consistency, there is no trust.
If we don’t know consistent people and their inconsistencies are their greatest consistencies, then we don’t have people we can trust. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but when I realized that I managed to completely change my criteria for friends and allies.
It doesn’t mean people always need to behave the same but if they say money doesn’t motivate them at all, they better acknowledge a change when they start caring more about money.
“I don’t want to care about money but recently I am worried about my parents.” Or “you know I have been living like shit forever and the chance to live more comfortable excites me.” The reason doesn’t matter, as long as they don’t continue to lie to themselves and others about not caring about money.
Had I paid attention to the level of consistency in her words and in her life, I would have known that she shouldn't have been trusted. Emotional instability makes consistency near-impossible, as harsh as that sounds.
So I was at a low point having quit my job and using lots of money to relocate for this plan, then everything was stripped out beneath me but after a few months I saw how important and foundational this lesson was to me, and I can honestly say that my life was better after she hurt me because I had a new better foundation to start over with with regards to how I interacted with people.
So even in my darkest moments, I can find things that are improving.
Like when my health suddenly fell apart and I ended up being fooled by countless doctors and alternative practitioners. I was desperate at that time but as a result I started to learn Chinese massage which literally saved my life and helped me understand my body better.
My health isn’t exactly where I want it to be but after that, every year is better than the last year on average. I could easily complain about things not being where I want them to be….but they are improving, even if some days are worse than others. Just because today is worse than yesterday doesn’t mean I feel defeated. The overall trend is upward, and if it wasn’t I would take drastic measures to change that anyway I could.
The only thing that matters is that the overall trend is upwards. And there is always enough I can try to turn things around if they start to trend downwards.
Of course there are various metrics to measure. Stability, freedom, connection, and experience, which we can measure various ways like how much money we have or how much attention we get from others, but I try to use my general mood as the main factor to measure and focus on.
How good do I feel about whatever I am doing these days? How often do I feel good? And always how sustainable is this kind of feeling good, how much is it building towards feeling good more and more?
Sometimes this requires work from me. If things won’t change, at least I can learn to feel better about them. Sometimes I can change them but I can always change my focus and learn to put my attention on the things that feel good and bring more joy.
That is the trick to always being in an overall upward trend. You can say it’s denial, to just accept what you don’t want and to find joy in it, but that positive attitude is where the most positive change becomes possible.
It doesn’t mean pretending to like things you don't. It means looking for the good in the bad, and It’s not delusional if it gets you closer you where you want to be.
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