Before 2023 enters, I thought everything will be fine but it seems that time didn't have my side. Everything became messed up. Everything seems to be different than what I have expected. I may entered the wrong way or it is my destiny? But, I don't believe with destiny rather I believe in God's perfect plan. Everything that happens has it's own purpose. Yet, in the past 6 months I lost my trust in him. I blamed him for everything that happened.
January, first week was good and seems to be productive. This is the time I was holding God's hand so tight since everything seems perfect. I pray, and thank him every single time. Not until I have to suffer related to my health. I have never told anyone about it since I don't want to hear gossips that I am putting up a show. I started to loosen my hand with God. I even lost my interest with my studies.
In the mid of January and February, another problem arises. Something that is very serious that I can't even share it here. And this reason, which I have posted on my tiktok for once. Only me, and my grandmother knows about this since my mom and my brother doesn't got along together with my mother's siblings. To refrain complicated situation. This is the time that my mom suffers with huge financial problem. Since we have classes, I am struggling with my financial too. Especially with my expenses. There is someone who always shoulder my expenses. They take turns on how to help me, even though I didn't have any explanation about it.
Mid of February, when some of my symptoms started to become active. There are times that I am absent, and it repeated for how many weeks. This is when my attitude started to change. I feel irritated, hurt, and make it big deal when it is just a small problem. I have breakdowns and sleepless nights. I get angry easily. This is the time when, I am trying not to let other people know and keep quiet. Started to distance myself with everyone and people who loved me truly for the reason that I don't want to be a burden. My grandmother started to get worried since she knew about my health. I went to school acting like there's nothing wrong. Yet I go to the comfort when I'm about to cry and go back to the room like nothing happens.
March, I really lost my trust to God and decided not to hold on to him. I don't even pray and blame him for everything. My bond with this one person started to change. I get jealous easily and treat people around me coldly. This is the time I take exam without reviewing. Most of my friend offers me a seat. But I distance myself for the reason that, I cannot give them answer if they ask. I also didn't able to answer essay. Also, we are given an hour and a half to take the exam but I just went there circle the letter I like and pass. Not minding the score that I will get. This is the month where I really messed up. Since I knew about my health. I did my check ups and take my medication that costs around $ 25 (Php 1000) per week. I lost the people I truly love, friends, and connection with people that's been there through my thick 'n thins.
People don't know that on my birthday, I tried to end my life because I don't have any hopes with what may tomorrow comes. I keep silent with everything.
April, I thought I could fixed it. Yet this is the time where I push everyone that surrounds me. Get tired of explaining. Get tired of everything. Started to fake my smile just to cover everything up. I started to make everything big deals. This is the time when those persons I have pushed away, everytime that they are watching I go to other group of friends. Just to act that I didn't regret my decision.
This is the time that, I tried to go back from playing football to have income. Been offered with a great amount. Been offered with good position. Yet I offended some players. That's the time I get threats and words that could really hurt me anonymously. Which I knew later on who are the people who sent those threats. Issues have piled up. Issues and speculations I didn't know what is. I've treated everyone with the worst attitude that I could ever have just to push them away because of the Idea that I am better when I'm alone.
May, we don't have classes anymore but I go to school just to escape the house. I will depart at 6am in the morning and arrived late at night. This happens until June.
I got part time jobs just to sustain my medications. Which my family didn't know. I don't want to be a burden to anyone since at my age you supposed to have job. I do forms, running errands for someone, gardening someone else's house, and any offers that most teachers could give. I even sell insurance since there is a commission from it.
With all that happened, I have realized that no man is an island. What if I've been opened to people that I have wronged? what if I didn't lose hope? what if I tighten my salvation with God? what if everything that happens didn't happened? what if I still have those people whom I cherish? Those are the questions that bothers me every night. Yet, what's been done, has been done.
We should never loosen our trust to God. It may be through our ups and downs, we should be thankful. Never questioned him.
We should also treasure every memories that we will have with someone. We should treat them with the treatment they deserved before it's too late.
I have so many realizations/reflections that I have realized in the past 6 months. Thank you to that one person who taught me that issues from the house shouldn't be brought to your school or in other places. Right now, I'm doing that one. I should have treated those person on how I treated them when I met them instead of pushing them to their limits. I also learned that apology should have change.
To them, you may not see this post, but when the time is right I will apologize to you for everything that I have done. Right now, I am working for my self improvement so that it will be worth it. I hope when that day comes, it is not too late. I am very happy seeing you all happy. Got your back always. Rooting to all of you. May you find peace, love, and happiness that you'll deserve.