Sometimes I don't know where to start. As I once again, begin to remove the layers of conditioning, that still creep into my mind. It runs deep, as I'm confronted with new experiences that trigger those reactions. I'm trying to rewire the way in which I react, but it's a long process and I still find myself confronted with feelings of unworthiness. Ones that have dug their claws in(if they did indeed have such a thing).
Yesterday I went to a small women's gathering. It's been a while since I have been to one, as I always seemed to be busy of late, when they were on. So after working in the morning and making some lunch for my girls, I set off to my friends house, as she was hosting the gathering, in her garden.
There is a magic that happens, when you sit in a circle. A magic that you have to be open to feel, open to recieve. I know that there are some who like to shake it off as some hippy shit. But this tradition has been around so much longer than that. It's a respectful way in which to meet. Where you can sit and see into the eyes of each person, where they can see into yours. That in itself,can be too much for some. As it is quite an intimate thing to do.
It's a safe space, a supportive space. Where you are free to share, whatever it is, that needs releasing. I sat down, knowing I needed this space, that I needed to sit with these 6 women. And yet when it came time for me to talk, I didn't know what to say, because honestly I didn't know where to start. It felt like so much had happened these last few months.
After a few deep breaths and saying "I guess I have been feeling quite overwhelmed". It all came out. My self doubt, my fears, my tears and let me tell you, there were a lot of tears. I was open and honest, about how I had been struggling. How I have been feeling, like I am not enough or that I can provide enough for my girls. How being the sole provider for them, is so overwhelming at times.
It felt so good to get it all out, to release those feelings, send them out into the universe.
As well as all of the frustration I feel, at working so much and yet only ever making enough. Which was fine when they were younger, but as they grow and their bodies change, they need more essential things. That's just how it is. I always manage, but for once I would like a little extra. I see so many people thriving and yet I feel sometimes that I am just bobing along.
Of course I don't always feel like that. I also feel so lucky, because there are many wonderful things, wonderful beings in my life. But I'm ready now, to allow more abundance into my life for me and my girls. Now that I have released all of these emotions, all the guilt that was eating away at me.
The photos used are from different circles that I have been a part of.
