Our world currently thrives on productivity hacks but sometimes I feel like you just got to start doing whatever it is you need to do.
Like now - I just started typing after wallowing over writing a blog post the whole weekend, actually longer than that.
For months, over a year now, I haven't quite felt myself. I have been extremely listless, didn't want to draw or paint or play a game or blog, no motivation at all. All I have been doing is work and more work. When I was off work I always found something to do around the house or cook (no cleaning - I hate cleaning). That's not entirely true - I also spent some time to read actual books, physical and ebooks, something I hadn’t done in years, not counting audiobook.
The point being: I didn't do anything creative.
For this, my loss of motivation, I am blaming a diabetes drug that I have been taking. This drug has been on the market for years but has recently gotten a bad rep due to being used off-label - by Hollywood beauties (and others) - purely for weight loss. Of course, I am talking about Ozempic. I will not go into all the details but I will say it did what it was supposed to do i.e. lower blood sugar and I lost some weight along the way, too. I also had the usual side effects you can find on the warning label but those went away.
What I didn't expect and wasn't able to find anything about online is that the drug seemed to affect me mentally. It is kind of hard to describe but after maybe three months of taking it I started noticing a change in me, what I described earlier. No motivation to do any of the things that I enjoy doing and that are a balance to my stress at work. To be sure that this was not another menopausal, hormonal thing happening I talked with my doctor, described my feelings and told her very directly that I am not enjoying life anymore. Just living and working is not enough. That same week I stopped taking Ozempic as a test. Within a few weeks I started feeling better again and over time almost like before.
Unfortunately, my A1C crept up and I also gained back weight.
That’s why maybe two months later I started taking Ozempic once more but this time starting with the lowest dose. The idea was to have my body adjust to it slowly to avoid effects. From the start, I didn't have any of the usual side effects. And over time we increased the dose to the level where I had been previously. All of this took place over the span of more than one year and I still felt okay. Until earlier this year.
Towards the end of 2023 and early in 2024 both my MIL and my own mom started having severe health problems. My husband went to stay in Cali for a few weeks twice already this year and I was looking at flights to Germany. But in April things got worse real fast and sadly my mom passed away.
I'm sure you can imagine how hard this hit me... but what hit me just as hard was the fact that I was not able to cry. I was sad and angry that I hadn’t been able to see her again and also somewhat relieved for my mom because the past few months had been such a struggle for her. But why couldn’t I cry? There were no tears, they just would not come. Granted, I am not the most emotional person but I'm talking about my mom! Just a few years back my brother passed away and I cried a lot, many times. So why could I not cry for my own mother?
That was when I decided that I had enough, no more Ozempic.
I stopped the injections. At the end of April my husband flew to visit his mom in California and I flew in the opposite direction to Germany for the funeral. I stayed with my family for a week and we had a pretty good time despite the circumstances.
And, finally, right there at the funeral my tears started to flow.
What a relief that was. Now it is June and in this short time my A1C went up 0.2 points already, I just got test results, and I gained back 4 kg, meaning I’ll have to work harder and possibly find other diabetes drugs (or go back on Ozempic a 3rd time?). On the flip side, while I still don't feel like I am back to my former self I feel and hope I am getting there. I have been practicing drawing and painting and this here is my attempt to get back to blogging again as well. The thing is that I don't want to only blog about my photography or my paintings, yet I am not sure I have it in me to write... opinions or other kinds of (more personal) posts. This one here may be the exception and I might be back with my usual.
Thank you for reading my ramble about my life. Sometimes it helps to write things down.
Ocean(Bee)
