I have thought about many ways I could write this without being way too forthcoming, but then, I remembered this is Hive. Not everyone actually reads and those who do don’t do it to understand but to leave a comment, so I think I’ll just go ahead and write from my heart.
I have been noticing changes about me. These changes that are happening are “pre-relationship”. Meaning who or how I was before I met the person I am with now. I began to get scared. Well, I was scared but now, it seems I’ve just accepted it and I’m very comfortable with it. This set off alarm bells in my head, but then, we had a conversation and it didn’t seem like there was going to be any development moving forward (until further notice) and so… my comfort just grew plushier. That’s not a good thing (or so I thought).
Then I noticed that I was slipping back into survival mode. My thoughts warring between masculine and feminine where the former is gaining weight. Even the way I talk has changed (gone back to the familiar). My gait feels heavier, it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable rather I feel very safe. Only that this safety is as a result of measures I have taken to protect myself. Huh? Things aren’t adding up.
Away from that, I noticed how I’m hardly bothered by anything outside my immediate environment – that is my family. It’s like 2022 all over again and I’m just working and staying preoccupied with providing for myself and my people. For some reason, it feels like home. This made me begin to ask a whole lot of questions especially when I slipped dangerously close to the edge of “past memories”.
Now, I began to wonder if this was bad. Should I keep going like this? Then a friend told me that I may be reading too much into my situation. She said it could just be I’ve gotten to another point in my life where I need to outgrow certain things and her emphasis were thoughts. She said that from our interaction over the couple of weeks, she’s noticed I’ve been more firm in my decisions, positive about life and persistent in pursuit. She said she saw me make mistakes, own them and change my ways.
She said maybe I was now finding balance with my yin and yang which means I am finally learning the art of thinking for myself without secondary opinions. She also pointed out that it’s a part of critical thinking and the beginning of unlocking creativity.
As she spoke, I began to think back on all the decisions I have made moving forward. Many of them have been immediate and all on my own. I consulted no one (except my prayer altar of course) and I moved on ahead to follow my instincts. I remember how I’d run ideas and suggestions by a couple of people because I wasn’t confident enough to trust my judgment. But that seems to be changing and it’s bringing a whole lot of new things with it. A new mentality. One that I can’t really complain of.
I voiced my other concerns to her and she asked me a few questions (felt like I was sitting with a therapist) and then told me maybe it was time I started meeting new people.
“I’m not saying you should abandon anyone. But you’re changing Deraa and you need to build the capacity to accommodate all that. You can only do that when you try new things with new people. You’re finally discovering yourself. Fan that flame by putting yourself out there, you won’t grow until you find yourself in certain situations that require it.”
That made a lot of sense. Funny how I was listening to a podcast on “Influence and Exposure” just days before this whole thing. So, maybe I am getting very comfortable in my own skin. Feels really good to trust my judgement. It’s not a luxury I have experienced very often. This was one of the reason I forced myself into a position where I let go of people around me. This was the only way I could finally begin to trust myself.
As a woman, it is extremely crucial to get to that point where no one holds overall control over your decisions. You choose to let them in your world not giving them power over it. I learned this while listening to a podcast on “relationships”. The woman made mention of how it’s not true love if you need them to always agree with you or back up your decisions so you feel you’re making the right choice. It’s not love on your part to them and not love to your very self. I guess my thick skull is finally coming to.
So yeah, I have definitely changed (again) and it almost seems like nothing can bother me. Truth be told, this may just be another step before I get to the main lesson.
All Images are mine
