“I’m worth so much more than this.”
When I said it, exactly a year ago, it almost felt like a desperate prayer. I was making about half the average salary of the city I live in and felt under appreciated by my boss and coworkers. I had put most of my energy towards survival and taken it away from my passions like storytelling or songwriting. I was stuck on social media, mostly because I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was seriously considering going back to full time work at the same low salary rather than the part time that allows me time to build my own future. I couldn’t see a future that I was capable of building. Some chronic discomfort did not make any of it easier.
Despite all that, I was not hopeless. I had learned where hopelessness gets me, and thought it might be better just to try trusting that things would be alright...that is...IF I did the work.
What is the work?
I made my mood my priority. I had faith that there was a road towards a better state of being, and I knew that starting on the inside would be the foundation. Then my second priority was channeling my mood towards building something better in more tangible and physical ways. “If I can be ok right now, imagine how awesome I’ll be when things are looking up.” I did my best to smile and enjoy whatever I could.
That was enough.
And once I felt a little bit better, I started to make little changes in my habits that would help me build a better future. I put more time towards building my own future, independent of a boss or company. I did some advertising for my private work, researched visa types, tax laws, how to start a business.
I also resolved never to dig into the few meager investments I had, nor to play with them, knowing that they’d likely be worth much much in a year and half anyways by all current project prices.
And so they are, even faster and to a greater degree than I anticipated. I’m left with a massive weight off my shoulders.
teaser for my mini novel, Confessions of the Damaged 1.1, cover by @vincentnijman
It’s nice knowing that if I decided to say “fuck it all” and pack my bags, I could survive on my savings for a few years if I chose the right place and made a few tiny adjustments to my lifestyle. Just having that makes me feel fantastic.
And so here I am, one year later, and things are great. I’m on track to start that company. I am back to writing my novel, and about to publish, ready to start build the life of my dreams, not years from now but months from now. Only a year ago I couldn’t imagine how long it would be, but it felt a decade away.
This is not just a year in the making though. It took me my entire life to get here. A lot of it felt unrelated or insignificant, but once you are happy where you are, then every piece of bullshit in between becomes worth it.
My salary still leaves much to be desired, but I’m hardly thinking about that these days. I know I have the means to move on the the next step before the end of this year and that by this time next year, I’ll be living a very different life. All the wheels have already been set in motion.
“I am worth so much more than this.”
It’s almost as if I was writing those words for my future self. I said them back then with a hint of that old desperation. This year I say them with confidence and excitement.
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📕 Confessions of the Damaged Coming March 15
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