Greetings, everyone
I want to thank #NaturalMedicine for the opportunity to do some catharsis on feelings or emotions that we know we need to improve or restrain. For me, it is
Frustration
This year has been one overloaded with negative events, some of which have just aggravated issues we've been dragging for years now. If you are a Venezuelan you know exactly what I am talking about. If you have read me before you may have an idea. If you live in a country that is being seriously affected by COVID-19 and you're struggling to cope with unemployment, scarcity, loss, or the simple claustrophobia produced by strict quarantine, multiply that for some 10 years and you'll get my feeling.
It's been more than 10 years of accumulated frustration. Sometimes it gets manifested as anger and violence; other times it plays out as simple indifference, apathy, or detachment. In either case it is an equally destructive feeling. Even though most Venezuelans have been affected by our particular economic and political crisis, some have been able to cope with it, either because they have connections in the government, were already well off before the crisis and have been able to keep their business and life styles, or left the country at the right time and are now enjoying a rebirth of sorts somewhere else.
Those who stayed comprise a diverse but equally fucked up lot. Most of us struggle on a daily basis to make ends meet, even if we are professionals. Imagine how hard it can be for those who are unemployed or depend on someone who is unemployed.
Where does my frustration come from?
It comes from the never-ending political situation.
Maduro, the least qualified person in Venezuelan political history, has managed to remain in power after 7 years; that despite the most dramatic economic crisis with unprecedented hyperinflation, violations of human rights and alleged rejection of both the people and the international community.
From the “International Community”
Politics sucks; politics is corrupt and cruel, but international politics is simply disheartening and incomprehensible. A country (A) pledges alliance to another one (B), promises help to fight its enemies and support its exiles, but at the same time works closely with other allies (C, D…) that happen to be country’s B’s real enemies and are actually ideologically confronted with country A, but since money talks and is nobody’s friend, country A ends up privileging interest with countries C and D and on top of that it imposes impossible restriction to country B’s immigrants so that country B’s immigrants have to rule out going to country A, while still rooting for it and defending it from countries C or D’s attacks and discredit, hailing country A as the true ally that will liberate them from never-ending oppression.
From our Neighbors
Similarly-fucked up countries that until very recently were under dictatorships, civil wars, or devastating economic crises now look way better than us (despite their own issues) thanks to our unprecedented hyperinflation and absolutely nefarious ruler. Ironically, until very recently it was Venezuela the one receiving waves of immigrants from all these countries, who were forced to leave their homes due to different circumstances. Here they had all kinds of benefits and very little demands in terms of documentations. They were able to study, work for public or private institutions, or invest and they prospered while the country was able to allow prosperity.
Yet, some of these countries started to react very aggressively to the massive influx of unwanted foreigners. True, some of the people they got were not wanted even here. These criminals were the result of 20 years of social and moral degradation and we were now exporting them. As a result, and following the old adage that all will pay for the sins of the few, our neighbors restricted the arrival of Venezuelan migrants, raised the requisites to allow legal entrance and the possibility of legal employment, while their citizens rampaged with all kinds of direct and indirect harassment to anything that looked or sounded Venezuelan.
To make matters worse, most of our neighbors are now having their own crises-revisited and have legitimate fears that an overpopulation of needy foreigners may either accelerate their political and economic crises or simply alter their culture in ways they deem dangerous.
It is simply harder to leave Venezuela now and things aren’t getting any better here.
From the realization that all the years devoted to your profession were wasted
As a result of our political situation many institutions were doomed to disappear. They were too dangerous for the totalitarian agenda of the “pretty revolution”. 20 years ago being a university professor was not only a distinguished career, but also one quite profitable. Venezuelan salaries had nothing to envy to international salaries. In fact, we had plenty of American and European faculty for whom teaching in Venezuela and enjoying the vacation-like weather and landscape was a great deal.
After the revolution it was just a matter of 8 years for salaries to plunge to unprecedented levels. Our living standards became as precarious as any menial worker and by the time maduro became president we were actually getting less money that many unskilled workers. By then, it was just a matter of logistic for them to literally sack the buildings and turn the whole system of higher education into an empty shell. Demoralized and weakened by massive migration and massive inflation the teachers and students unions became symbolic institutions that had zero power to revert the governments’ abusive power.
From family conflicts
Trying to reinvent yourself past your prime is not easy, especially if you’re running out of health and options. I have done my best to remain afloat, to provide for my family and keep my sanity while waiting for a miracle. I Steem, I work part time, I do freelance translations; sometimes I feel I have it under control, but things keep piling up. Leaving the country has becomes impossible for all the reasons exposed, plus for some particularly pressing family issues. Taking care of my mother-in-law has become a priority. We cannot leave her alone. No relatives have shown interest to take care of her if we left. She is not easy to get along with either, which makes the recruiting care givers task quite daunting.
Once you discard the immediate possibility of leaving you have to find ways to survive while staying. Somehow you managed, and yet it is never enough to please partner and children, to satisfy needs and demands. You wander around wondering what you did wrong, squeezing your brain for turning points, gross mistakes and can’t remember what it feels like to just live, enjoy life and love those around you.
Everything becomes an argument, a silence, a bitter pill to swallow.
Your social life has been destroyed both due to economic restrictions and the very fact that most of your friends and colleagues are gone (left or dead). The crisis has made you age at least twice as fast as anyone else. You start looking at yourself in the mirror and see a stranger. You’ve been forced to forget about social conventions, special occasions, and attention to details. Priorities is the new “in”. Your priorities shrunk by the day.
You do not want to talk about anything, but family expects you to talk, devote time, and inspire. They depend on you; they expect you to change their circumstances. They are counting on you.
You, on the other hand, just want to get the fuck out of this crazy world where nothing makes sense, where merit is as good as shit, where injustice gets first, where indifference hurts less.
You walk the streets of your town and feel as out of place as you’d feel if you were living in a different planet. You see what people do and what they don’t and you hate everyone with all your guts. You curse, you spit, you swear you’ll never go out again, but you have no choice and next morning you walk the same stinky streets and deal with the same irritating people who make you feel alien and wonder if what you’re living is real.
You feel you will lose it any time; you will blow up, and you wonder who will get the blast, who will be the recipient of your wrath. You want it to be someone that matters, someone who will make you feel you fulfilled some kind of plan-B purpose.
But every day I read a book, or watch a movie or talk to my two daughters and my son who are now far from me and I manage to avoid the worse. Every day I hope some tiny improvement will happen, but Justin Sun happened, the COVID-19, now Hive. I hate uncertainty but we keep being bombarded by it.
My frustration at so much wrong going on around me generates a level of anxiety that makes my mood very easily changeable. I struggle every day to ignore most of what happens and keep my cool, but I have the feeling that so much restrained anger may be unleashed by no reason and for no purpose.
Thanks for taking the time to read this rant
This was my entry for @naturalmedicine's contest. Details here
