I'm never getting married!" My 29-year-old cousin yelled out in frustration at my aunts who have been pestering her about bringing a man home for marriage, we were supposed to have a peaceful and fun family gathering this Christmas, only for Ima's wedding coming up next month to be announced and I guess that was what brought the attention right back to her. Ima is the youngest of us all marriageable ladies in the family and she is already engaged to her fiance and slated to be married the next month, but my other cousin who is the same age as me, the comparison was brought up which I was so unhappy about, because everyone is different.
I'm married with two children, but she has never for once even introduced her boyfriend to any of us. Her sudden outburst brought out gasps from many mouths followed by a short while of silence, which was also followed by another unusual question especially not in an African home,
"Are you gay?" Dara her younger sister asked with a mocking smirk on her face, "Of course, not" she replied I think I heard another breath of relief from several mouths or maybe nostril, whom I assume to be my three aunts sitted behind, they can be so dramatic, my single and not searching cousin furthered, I'm just never going to get married because marriage is a scam, my aunties tried to shush her to never repeat those words but she wasn't having it, and went on, diving into how frustrated her mother became to the point of almost losing her life while she was still married to her dad, it was a known situation, how her mother kept quiet and continued suffering abuse both physical and emotional abuse from the hands of her rich husband, all in the name of not wanting to get divorced, she tried all she could to sustain her marriage, became the most humble woman, stayed away from family and friends, even the church wasn't left out, she became a slave in her own house, still, she didn't have peace, instead her health dwindled, and this is what my cousin and her sister saw marriage to be while growing up, living a sad and empty life devoid of any happiness, but when they were outside, they pretended to be the most perfect couple, heck! They even had a huge family portrait plastered on their sitting room wall to strengthen that pretense.
What about you, Aunty Ella, she said looking straight into Aunty Ella's shaky and sad eyes, are you happy in yours, you take up all your family's responsibility and still get disrespected by your husband all in the name of being married, what is the essence, I'm never going to get married and that's period! She affirmed.
Sadly, the percentage of toxic relationships, not even limited to marriage alone is skyrocketing daily, and most of the problems stems from the root of how these adults were raised, I'm never going to judge my cousin stance, she's neither right or wrong, it's her life, but deep down I know having to grow up in a toxic environment made her mindset this way, how will you want to go into something that you saw took away joy from your own very mother, the effect of toxic relationships not only affect the couples but also their children's future, I will consider my cousin a brave and strong woman for chosing to not go into anything she isn't mentally ready for, don't get me wrong, there are still a lot of peaceful and happy marries out there, but the truth is that it takes two committed and tolerant individuals who are always ready to compromise for their partners happiness and peace, gone are the days where we were told that we have to fall in love with someone, and that was all it takes to get married to your prince charming and live happy forever after.
Life is no fairy tale, with marriage or even courtship comes a lot of responsibility and commitment from both parties, maturity, financial security, good character, and being prayerful, trust me you don't want to miss that point, it takes all these and more. Toxic people without these characteristics are the cause of toxic relationships and marriages, children from toxic relationships need to be reorientated or should I say rehabilitated on the right mentality on what relationships and marriage are all about and not what they saw while growing up.
No one deserves to be maltreated in the name of love, if who you love is taking away your peace constantly, we know toxic people follow a pattern, from gaslighting, making you feel insecure, to outright domestic violence, please it's better to love yourself even more, so you can leave an abusive relationship before it ends you. Toxic relationships we know don't end in romantic relationships they could happen in friendship, your place of work, etc having devastating effects on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. It is important we recognize the signs of a toxic relationship knowing how bad its effect can be on us, so it is crucial we break free and reclaim our life.
This post is inspired by the. #octoberinleo monthly topics, day 24, check out Leogrowth's thread, and be inspired on daily writing topics.